Posts Tagged 'poop'

Food, or something like it

Son of a beeeeee!  I didn’t post yesterday.  For shame!  However, I will post this and then post again later, so shhhhh!

Do you ever try a new recipe and then it all smells and looks good, and then you taste it and it sort of tastes like nothing?  This happened yesterday with some polenta I was making with kale, tomato and goat cheese.  Sounds pretty good, and it took me like a half hour to cook, and in the end it didn’t really taste like anything!  I guess that’s the gamble when you try something new.  I also recently made a couscous salad with raisins and cucumber that wasn’t that good either.

I feel like I’ve wasted such money when I make something and it’s not great. Well, I guess I have because then we don’t eat it.  I usually don’t know how to make the recipe taste any better, either, so it usually gets thrown out.

What the toots can I even do with polenta?  It’s apparently a sub for pasta, but frankly, it doesn’t seem like it to me.  They have completely different texture, and they don’t taste the same.  Maybe it’s because once you slather tomato sauce on either, they both end up tasting the same.

The kale was kind of weird too.  I boiled it and it had a really weird smell.  Though that was the first time I touched kale, so I have no idea if it’s even supposed to smell like that.

 If only I could spend someone ELSE’s money on food, I’d have it made.  Alas.  

Looks like I’ll be enjoying a simple, microwavable burrito today!

Actually, this reminds me of a game I like to play when I smell something really weird cooking, which usually happened when I worked at a hospital.  I call it, “Poop or Food?”  Sometimes you just catch a whiff os a smell and you’re all like, “Is this poop I am smelling, or is it stinky food?”, or at least, I smell things like that.  Especially at a hospital.  Unfortunately I get to play that game very little now.  People just don’t seem to poop and eat as close together in an office as they do in a hospital.  Such a shame.

Tissue and Leaves

I feel like one big, giant germ.  It’s like I am emitting some sort of disgusting pheromone that keeps people away.  No one wants to come near you when you’re sick!  And I’m even on the mend!  I think everyone at work things I am on the verge of dying or something, so they really don’t come over to my side of the room.  Pfft, their loss, I am over here chillin’ with a mountain of tissues and an empty cup from Starbucks, yo!  Party over here!  I’m also coughing all over everything on my desk, and I know how much people love being a part of that.
I sort of feel like I am leaving a film all over everything I touch.  Like one of the Slerm slugs.  If you want to know where I’ve been all day, follow the trail of boogers!
Anyway, onto things other than germs.  I feel like I could tell you guys a poop story every day of the year.  I don’t know what it is with bathrooms and me.  It’s like we have this never-ending relationship where the bathroom won’t stop calling me and I’m all like, “bathroom, we went on one date, stop buying me stuff and showing up at my house uninvited.”  Or maybe that was someone I dated.  They both fit.  Anyway, I show up for my morning potty break and the ladies potty is locked, so whatever, I unlock the mens (there’s only one toilet in each room), but as I unlock the mens, I smell a grotesque smell coming from one of the bathrooms.  I step back and wonder if some lady is pooping out a pumpkin from a few days ago, but no, as I get the men’s door unlocked I am slapped with what can only be described as acid bathed anus.  And my nose is partially plugged!  Can you imagine what would have become of me had I been smellin’ free and easy?!  I don’t wan to think about it.  Anyway, I step in, almost challenging the smell to a duel, and I shut the door.  And then I gag!  I gagged at a poop smell!  I hear the ladies door unlock and the woman leaves, so I high tail it the hell out of the men’s bathroom and into the ladies and lock myself in.  And I gag again from the memory!  Lord help that poor man’s anus, wherever it is.
Oh yes, and to answer the questions in the last post, indeed that leaf was real!  Yes, we have normal every day leaves out here, but we also seem to have these mutant freak leaves that are as big as a dinner plate, so imagine a gust of Autumn air blowing past and releasing an army of 100 sheets of plate-sized leaves!  Terrible!  Zelda almost got swept away by one on the weekend at the dog park!  Just to show you another angle of these monsters, here’s Steve with one of the leaves:

I ought to wax paper a bunch of these and make myself a stylish outfit.  That or some kind of freaky mask.

The Stall of Humiliation

 

Nevis brought up an interesting question today, to which I will answer with a post!
Am I a bathroom stall farter?
To put it simply, no.  But we know there’s more to the story than that!
I can’t say I’ve ever farted in a public bathroom stall when I’ve had control.  I am pretty sure I’ve slipped up more than once though and it just came tooting out like a trumpet.  If I can contain myself, I will.  If I am sure it will come out silently, I will let it out.  If I know it will be loud, I try and either squeeze it out slowly as not to create a noise, or I will hold it in.
Seriously, I have trouble even peeing in a public bathroom stall.  I believe this developed while I worked in Banff for some reason.  Probably because the bathrooms were VERY small and usually only had two….WAIT!  I know when it started.  It started earlier in college.  So I used to go to the bathroom before this one particular class in the mornings, and we were in a weird old part of the college where the bathrooms were, for whatever reason, hidden.  I have drawn a map for reference.
Each pink star is a door.  As you can see, for some reason you had to walk through 3 doors to get INTO the bathroom.  It was a disaster from the start.  
Anyway, so I get up to go to the bathroom before class and go into a stall.  Now, there’s maybe 3 stalls in there.  I’m by myself, so I let one rip, but just as I do, a classmate walked in.  And isn’t going to the bathroom.  She’s just standing doing her makeup or something.  So I sit for a minute in my own fart humiliation, waiting to see if she’d leave.  I’m thinking at this point she doesn’t know who it is, so I am safe.  So I sit for a minute, but she’s not leaving, and class is about to start, so I shamefully open the stall door and wash my hands.  We exchange awkward hellos and I go back to class.
I’m pretty sure I got so worked up over that, that I just stopped farting anywhere that there might be people!  I never asked this girl about it, but we ended up becoming pretty good school friends, so I’ve always been curious about whether she’d remember that or not.  I can tell you that I was personally quite embarrassed.  
I think that freaked me out enough that I can’t even stand to pee in a bathroom with other people, even when I’m in my own stall.  You know, as opposed to those times where you pee in broad daylight in public, am I right?  Now I have to pee while plugging my ears because otherwise I am so overly aware of the sounds I am making that I can’t even deal with it.
Colour me neurotic!
Is anyone out there doing anything weird in the crapper?

Someone s%@t on the wall!

And his name is Winston.  After ripping a garbage bag open and eating an expired tuna wrap from Starbucks, Winston shat so hard and fast, it actually made a “BLORP!” noise when he went to the doggy litter box AND, he shat up the wall a little.  I think the bum juice is his punishment.  Oh only if he understood that the tuna wrap did it–that it wasn’t just random.

Dogs will never learn.

I like to share

Do you ever have to go poop and you pretty much get like a SUDDEN, IRRATIONAL feeling of OHMYGOD I AM GOING TO SHIT MY PANTS IF I DON’T GET TO A TOILET ASAP!!!

Then you sit down and get the shivers from getting to go to the bathroom?  I dunno, I doubt this is just me.

Anyhow, I have to poop.  kthanksbai!


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