Posts Tagged 'noodle'

My cloudy, cloudy noodle…

I’m pretty sure this whole Cipralex thing has turned out to be a bad idea. Over the past two weeks I’ve noticed myself unable to concentrate more and more. It’s like I am floating farther and farther out into space. I’m headachy a lot now, which is something that happened on Effexor as well, so I guess that’s just par for the course when you’re dealing with medication for your noodle.

I don’t like that I am so lightheaded though. I can’t seem to do anything unless I have headphones on, or else there has to be VERY STILL SILENCE. That doesn’t really help when I have to answer the phone at work, and you know, work in an open loft office with 4 other people.

There’s got to be something out there that will help me though. I think it’s time to head back to the doctor. The last time I was there, the doc gave me three months of cipralex and said if it was bad, to come back. It’s been two months, more than enough time to see if this stuff will work for me, and I just feel so cloudy and I am making little mistakes at work that I am not happy about. I’m in a pretty okay mood for the most part, but I still feel anxious, and I can’t get my thoughts under control. Mind you, they aren’t as out of control as when I am unmedicated, but I can still tell that they are constantly interrupting my daily process.

I would be pretty damn happy at this point if I didn’t have to take any medication, as really, when you think about it, I am messing with my brain chemistry! I mean, it’s a good thing they have medication, but I wish I could feel okay, be able to think clearly, and be able to concentrate…is that too much to ask?!

Even as I sit here typing this, I feel like I am sitting inside a sleeping bag with a pillow on my head. Try to do work like that! Well, hopefully I’ll have good news by the end of the week, and a new perscription.

Oi, my Brain!

Brain, you are hurting me today.  I didn’t take my cypro in the morning and big surprise, i am feeling really weird now.  This stuff isn’t making me want to rip my eyes out when I forget to take it, like Effexor was, so I’m thinking all in all, I am doing pretty good.
As for how I feel, i am going to have to say that I feel like my brain has been replaced with cotton balls.  Or maybe bowling balls.  I’m feeling very fuzzy, and I can really feel the inside of my own head aching.  Maybe it’s aching for medication?  I can tell you I am!  I should really keep a “spare” pill or two at work so that this doesn’t happen, but I’ve forgotten this pill once or twice before work and I’ve actually made it through the day with little to no effect.
I think it’s maybe that I haven’t had a substantial meal yet today.  So far it’s been granola bars a-plenty, and some carrot/orange juice.  That’s not cutting it.  Oh I can see my lunch now…delicious, delicious curry.  Oh my God I am getting near that hunger where you just want to absolutely DIE.  “I can’t even make it to the food court!  I am so sick with the hunger!  It’s like I’ve never eaten before!”
It’s like I am watching myself work from a little room inside my eyeballs.  It’s like I am a tiny version of myself trying to get this giant robot to work.  Sort of like that alien in MIB.  Remember that?  It’s like I am yelling in my own head, “Work!  Damn you, work!!!”  But I need an oil change or something.
Oh wouldn’t it be easier if my brain chemistry was just “average?”  Sigh.
Can I also say that while I was vacuuming this weekend, Zelda took a giant dump in the dog bed!  Um, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, ZELDA?!  I know you don’t like the vacuume, but all dogs hate vacuumes, so you really don’t need to show my your distaste by shitting the bed.  Plus, I don’t even know how you did it, because I WAS IN THE ROOM and it usually takes about 24 full revolution turns in the dog pan before you will even think of pooping.  Covert pooping is something I have never seen in my house.  That dog bed has been washed more times than my oldest underpants!  Somehow this particular Saturday vacuume was SO offensive that she actually had a bowel movement.  I don’t see how it was any more offensive than the usual 15 minute doggy hair cleanup.  Maybe she was hoping to save all that dog hair and make a vest?

It’s snowing meds!

Ah, the doctor was actually much better this time.  So now after many weeks of headaches and overall spacey-ness, I am on Cyprolex.  At least, I think that’s how you spell it.  The doctor was nice enough to not plow me with a year’s worth of perscriptions so that I didn’t have to pay a dispensing fee, but damn, keeping your brain healthy is EXPENSIVE!!!
I also had a long talk with the pharmacist about going completely off Effexor, and onto this other stuff, and I’ve got a pretty good program in place now to get me off Effexor while going onto Cyprolex.  So, today on this new stuff I am feeling sort of the same as with Effexor, but in all reality it’s going to take a week for things to start taking effect.
Speaking of effects, it’s always my favourite thing to read off all the “possible side effects” when I get new medication.  My favourite from this new one is “black, tarry stools.”  That is so far beyond the safety zone of anal leakage I don’t even know what to do with myself.  Plus, wouldn’t it be bad enough to experience one of those, say, a tarry stool, let alone the combination of basically shitting asphalt!  Maybe I can pave someone’s driveway and make some extra cash.  *TURN YOUR SYMPTOMS INTO COLD HARD CASH!!!*
I also enjoy when the information packet says “if you experience unusually long-lasting erections, please consult a physician.”  I just want to walk into the pharmacy and explain that I’ve never had an erection before, but damn, this erection I got is lasting for hours!  Maybe I’ll put a banana in my pants, too.  Just for good measure.
Oh yes, and I also have a theory about Zelda’s little piddle party.  She’s done this once before, but I figured something out: she has only peed like that when Steve has slept on the couch.  Now, before you start thinking “ooooh, trouble in paradise!” I have to tell you that Steve is sick again, and was feeling like he was going to puke, and since puke is my ALL-TIME LEAST FAVOURITE THING, he was nice enough to just sleep on the couch so that if he barfed, he didn’t barf near me.  He had to do this a few months ago too, and I’ll be damned if Zelda didn’t pee right in the same spot.  Anyhow, from this, I concluded that Zelda thinks of Steve as her mate, and she gets pissed when he doesn’t come to bed because we all go to bed at the same time, so she thinks I have kicked Steve out of bed, gets mad at me, and pees on my side of the bed.  Eh, eh????  Yes, I think she’s that smart.  And that vindictive!  She is a smart little pooch, so I think she’s actually got a serious thought process around peeing in the same spot on the bed.
In other news, IT IS SNOWING IN VANCOUVER RIGHT NOW!  WTF?!  I move from Calgary to escape the snow, and it follows me!!!!

De-lurking is Delightful!

It’s that time of year, folks, national delurking week!  I don’t know if there are too many lurkers on here because I had to email a lot of you to give my new blog address out, but still, if you like what you read, leave me a comment!  I’m really nice!  Really!

 

Moving right along, I have to tell you that yesterday was probably the worst day so far of coming off my meds.  I can’t do it.  I can’t just “skip a day.”  You know what?  It really fucked me up.  I felt all of the following:

*flickering vision

*my hearing going quickly in and out

*over-sensitivity to smell

*extreme headache

*vertigo

*light-headedness

*diarrhea!

 Isn’t that an awesome list?  It was like a party going on in my body!

I called the pharmacy, and they said that often times, a doctor will lower the dose, and then put you on the new meds while you are coming off the old ones so that you don’t get a lot of the bad side-effects.  I figure I will stay on the low dose until next week, and then give the doc a visit to see if I can maybe do a little transition instead of cutting off meds completely before new ones are perscribed.

Brain chemestry is a tricky thing!

 

I admit it: there are at least 4 Toblerones in my desk drawer

If you love Toblerone, you’ll know why I stashed them in my drawer.  Oh God, I want to eat them all right now.

 So, today is my first full day off of medication, and can I tell you how incredibly OUT OF IT I feel?  I got to work, and I was thinking, “how the shit did I just DRIVE HERE?”  I feel like I am in a little cinema in my head,  just watching what’s going on, and that I have no control over what I say or do, and that it somehow just happens.  I am in complete disconnect from reality over here.  So, if anyone wants to know what an alternate dimension feels like, I am your go-to-gal at the moment.

Also, when you work with a counsellor, you come to some real stark realizations.  For instance, he mentioned to me today that often times people will laugh (not like, crazy loud, but chuckle) after they talk about some major life problem, or about depression, or bad things that happen, and I was like GET OUT OF HERE, YOU ARE RIGHT!  Which, duh, he is a counsellor, so hi, he would know this.  But I was just like I DO laugh after I say something about how crazy my mom was growing up, or about depression and all that.  I think I do that with people whom I don’t really want to get into detail with, you know?  Like it’s just easier to say something off the cuff and be like haha, isn’t that CRAZY?!  I do that even now though, because I think making light of it doesn’t make you feel so bad about it, and it makes the other person in the conversation less concerned.  That’s what I think at the moment though, but I am still thinking about his point, because it was a good one.  Then again, how would I talk about sad things otherwise?  I mean, it’s not like I never actually get into a deeper conversation about things that are sad, but if I am just trying to illustrate, say, how I should TOTALLY write my memoirs because seriously, you can’t make this stuff up, of course I’ll make a joke, because some of the stuff that happens in life is just THAT CRAZY, and that unbelievable, that you just have to make light of it.

Anyhow, to go on to how I am feeling off the meds, I have to say I am not feeling the little brain sparks, but that I’ve felt that feeling before when I was on a much higher dose of effexor.  What I do feel, is heart palpitations, and this really weird little flickering of my vision, as if a millisecond of my vision was missed, and I am watching a slightly-badly edited movie of my life.  I might as well have vertigo over here, because my head feels like it’s full of helium, and I am kind of swaying when I walk.  I bet the rest of my co-workers think I’m drunk!  Woo!  Party in my office, y’all!

Anyhow, there’s still no internet at home, which is still a major bummer.  I thought it might magically come back, but apparently it takes three days to flick a switch somewhere to actually turn on wireless internet.  Can you believe that?  Ugh.  Some bastard at the internet company is just sitting around, when they could be TURNING MY INTERNET BACK ON. 

 Yes, I am an addict.  I am addicted to the internet…and chocolate.  Sometimes I do them AT THE SAME TIME.

I have a comemorative John Candy stamp taped to my monitor

Can you tell how interesting my job is?  I also have a funny quote about hotdog fingers from The Office stuck to my monitor to make me laugh when I’ve got some lull time.  Which I have a lot of, because when your organization fires the Exectutive Director and doesn’t hire a new one, somehow the half of your job that was called, “Executive Assistant” just seems to, oh…dissapear.  Go figure, right?  At least now I can use all this free time to take up what I secretly love: BIG GAME HUNTING.  That, or maybe sword-fighting.

I have to say a HUGE thank you to all of the ladies who commented on my last post.  Though I know I am not alone in this medication battle, it’s nice to know some people, at least in semi-real life, who are in the same kind of boat.

So far I’d say I am actually feeling okay minus the meds.  I am going onto the regime of taking 35mg once a day, then skipping a day, which to me is terrifying because Effexor gives you the WWD’s (world’s worst dreams).  Like we’re talking watching someone take a rusty scissor blade to a guy’s mouth and cutting his face open like a puppet from Ballooner Landing.  And if you don’t know what Ballooner Landing is, that’s good, because those puppets were fucking terrifying.  I also know someone who hit the host’s grandkid in the face with a baseball bat.  That’s right, I know a tough bunch of people out here.  It’s pretty hardcore.

It’s been a LOT easier to get out of bed in the morning, and I don’t want to nap immediately when I get home, which is good, because I have to do things like eat and engage Steve in conversation, and you know, play with my dogs.  Napping really cuts into my living time.  Geez!

I’m not feeling quite as sad.  I am just bummed because my job is totally poops right now.  I mean, it’s hella easy, but easy doesn’t make it fun.  You try sitting around at your desk for eight hours a day looking busy!  Wait, you’re probably doing that right now.  Ah yes…we’re all in this together.

I was going to take a minute and talk about the meds that the doctor I saw suggested I try, but for the life of me, I can’t remember what it was called.  She said something about it being good for people who are trying to quit smoking.  Which has nothing to do with depression OR anxiety, which made me wonder how this doctor got a license…hmmmm.  I know it wasn’t Xanax, and I haven’t been able to find another medication that sounded like it, but in our conversation I suggested Zoloft for two reasons:

1) I’ve heard people have had really good experiences with it (ie: Dooce!)

2) The cute little depressed rock in the commercial.

Leave it to advertising to make me say, “awwww, that rock is so sad!  It’s not even enjoying that little butterfly anymore!” when really the rock should be fucking stoked that it’s a rock and is somehow ALIVE.

I don’t really know how exactly to go about choosing another medication, really.  I mean, I’d go on doctor’s advice, but I don’t know this doctor, and she was pretty open to suggestions.  Maybe she can perscribe a gun full of rays of sunshine?  I am a genius.

It’s hard to argue when I know you’re right

So I guess my biggest 2008 resolution was to take better care of my mental health.  Over the past two years I’ve been taking effexor for anxiety and depression, but in the last year I’ve been having some adverse side-effects.  For instance, I have really bad nightmares…horrible dreams that make me wonder what’s going on in this head of mine because they are things I would never even THINK my subconscious could come up with, but there you go.  I also have a fairly troublesome headache at least once a day.  I’ve been keeping track of them over the past few months, and yes, at least once a day is no lie.  Light, sound, smells…they’re all out there to melt my brain apparently, because for some reason my senses are in serious overdrive as if I have only been able to sit around as a vegetable for the past 24 years of my life.

Seeing as how it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to find a doctor in Vancouver, I kept putting off a trip to the doc because well, it’s hard to talk about medication and your mental history with a complete stranger!  I made myself go to the doctor though, and they’re going to change my medication, which is a big sigh of relief.

That means though, that I have to ween myself off Effexor for ten days before I can start something else.  THAT MEANS a whole lot of withdrawl symptoms.  I think I am on day three and I can already feel the medication melting away.

I remember feeling this way three years ago.  Just and overall sense of sad.  Like I ache longingly for something that isn’t there, something that doesn’t exist.  I can cry at any moment and my thoughts start moving so fast I can’t seem to catch up with any of them.  It feels like I am really alone in a crows of people. 

I also feel relief.  I feel relief that I don’t have a throbbing headache every time I get out of bed.  Or move.  Or eat.  Or read.  Or knit.  Or do ANYTHING.  I feel more like a tiny version of myself living in my own head, looking out windows that are my eyes, and I am operating this giant robot version of myself, while I am quietly tucked away in my mind.


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