You were okay. Not great. Not bad. Somewhere in the middle. Like when you have toast for breakfast. You were my breakfast toast. Sort of dry, but still good. Naturally Daniel Craig as Bond didn’t disappoint me, but somehow the story was hollow. Less campy, more plain? But then again there were certain boat chases and fights on scaffolding that weren’t boring.
Your leading ladies were hotties, as usual. But even with sexy ladies it felt sort of empty. Your leading lady was lovely, but you didn’t slam her like each and every other Bond girl.
Why the lack of slamming? Were you trying to step above the over-the-top sexual nature of Bond?
Well, okay, you totally slammed that other Bond girl, but I didn’t really feel any connection to that chick. And she looked like she was 17, which made it sort of creepy. And Bond was just sort of like, “Hello there, nice to meet you, would you help me with my pants? I’ll be needing them off to slam you.” And that was maybe 2 minutes after we met this young lady. I didn’t even care about her. But you are known for slamming many ladies, Bond, so I’ll let it slide.
And where were your gadgets? I didn’t spot a single gadget. Mind you, Daniel Craig pretty much just kicked the shit out of everyone with his bare hands, and that impressed me enough to sort of make up for the lack of gadgets. But aren’t the gadgets part of the camp?
Why so serious, Bond?
I thought you were going to be bigger, more glamorous, more outrageous. Like seeing a drag queen on a dating website, but instead just getting a handsome man. Still good, but not what you were looking for.
Maybe it’s because there were Canadians involved with this movie? Did you notice how much you brought up Canadians? There was even a Canadian agent in the movie. When I think of Canada, I don’t think of any sort of spies. I think of back bacon, and maple syrup, even though I can’t remember the last time I had back bacon or maple syrup, you know?
Anyway, I’d still pay the $13 that I did to see you, but I don’t think I’d buy you on DVD.
Now Wall-E, that’s another story…