I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I’ve realized that a lot of my writing isn’t particularly personal. Yes, it’s about me, but I think I’ve been holding back slightly. This seems sort of unproductive really, since I began writing in the first place because it made me feel better. It made me feel like I could actually clear my head and spend more time thinking about other things, like just living.
I guess maybe since I went on medication a few years ago, I thought that my problems wouldn’t bother me as much. The small things don’t, but I know the big things still do, and I really think I ought to do myself a favour and just let it out.
I haven’t really talked all that much about what happened with my best friend, and I think it’s because I’ve been trying to figure out all of that garbage myself. I am still really confused though, and I am likely the most hurt by what has happened than I have been in a long time. Part of me thinks I am being silly for being so sad about losing my best friend, but that part of me isn’t really seeing that my friend has been growing into this strange, new person. A person I don’t know that I really wanted to be friends with anymore anyway. I’ve known “M”, as I guess I’ll call him, for almost seven years, and it really has felt nice to be close to someone who has known me through some of the hugest changes in my life. Slowly, he started to become more pessimistic, more angry with the world, and he would start to constantly complain about all of the injustice he suffered, and how no one on the planet could deal with each other with any amount of human decency…all the while he was sort of treating people worse and worse. I don’t know if he has just lost his faith in humanity, or has been brainwashed by his degree, but I’d say in the last four years he’s gotten a lot less happy with life. Now, ask him, and I’m sure he’d say he is the happiest dude around, but in conversation I couldn’t help but notice how down on EVERYTHING he was..
After I suppose about three or four years of not dating anyone, he finally found a girl he truly liked a lot. The bad part is that this girl had a boyfriend that she lived with. This didn’t seem to be something that they thought would stop them from getting together. He asked my opinion on this and I urged him not to go forward with anything romantic, and that he would regret the mistake of being the other man for the rest of his life. I guess the interesting part, and the part that makes this story so completely bizarre, is that he and I dated when we first met, and after a long and dwindling relationship, I ended up making out with one of his friends, a few times, and so he, at one point, had been the one in the boyfriend position at one time. I should explain myself though. He and I dated for the better part of three years, and I often had somewhat of an attraction issue with him. He was a wonderful person, and he really understood me, but I just never really felt a spark of physical attraction. I had always hoped it would come, but it never did. Then, I suppose when the relationship started going so badly, neither he nor I could really bear to break it off. So we didn’t. And I made out with one of his friends, and I swear that I feel the guilt from that stupid mistake each and every day. I can’t forgive myself for that. I told M about this and he didn’t speak to me for four months, and he had every right not to speak to me ever again, but, he eventually decided to (after he tried and failed at a relationship with one of my co-workers). I was young, and really, REALLY stupid and selfish, and I swore that when I had broken off all contact with this other person (who was, in fact, a complete psycho), that I would work really hard not to let this kind of thing happen to anyone else.
Then, here I was, three years later, trying to convince my best friend, who I had hurt so badly, and who I had to work with for months after to try and get back to normal, not to get into the same situation that I had been in.
I don’t know whether he listened or not, as we weren’t in the same city at the time, but I hope he did (even though I am sure he had rationalized a thousand and one reasons not to listen to me). I think he may very well have ignored me in pursuit of passion, but I hope this isn’t the case.
I supported his relationship with this new girlfriend (after she broke up with the other guy) 100%. She is good for him, and I have been happy to see him at least a little bit happy…even if he could be a righteous DICK sometimes.
Then I move to Vancouver and think that maybe, just maybe, everyone could be happy and that we could all be friends. Then I kind of realized, well, that it’s maybe not much of a good idea to try and be friends with the girlfriend, because really, I was friends with M, and though I am sure that this girl is great, I just didn’t want to get everyone all mixed up. I just thought that maybe the girlfriend, however friendly, would maybe be threatened by a female best friend, and so I stepped back. The girlfriend took this as an incredible burn, and M took it as if I had literally stabbed his girlfriend in the face. But you know what? Sometimes we can’t all sit around like shiny happy people and pretend like everything is normal, because especially in this situation, we were not. I apologized to the girlfriend, but found out the friend somehow felt that I owed him and apology. After thinking about it, I did say I was sorry, and I asked how we could work things out, but M took that as me trying to take some kind of an easy way out.
Trust me, there is NO easy way out of an argument with him.
So I continued to email and continued to apologize to both of them and continued to ask if there was anything that I could do to make things any better. I laid all my cards on the table and apologized, and I was slapped in the face with some of the most horrible things I’ve ever read.
Is this the same person? How can he be saying these things to me? I just wanted to make things better, and he kept getting more and more angry with me.
And then I realized that he has this way of making me feel like I am completely insane for thinking the way that I do. I think that’s likely because of the immense guilt I still feel about making out with his friend. I don’t know, I just feel like I can’t forgive myself for that because I should have known to be better than that, but I acted like a fucking idiot, and now I feel all of this idiot guild and feel like M must be right on all accusations, that I must always apologize to BOTH of them, M and the girlfriend, for things I didn’t even do.
I think a week went by when I discovered that the GF had been showing M all of the emails that she and I exchanged, which made me upset. I had hoped that I could work our miscommunication out and that it would make things with M improve. Then I find out she has been telling him everything, which made me really upset with her. I had poured all of myself into my conversations with her, revealing embarassing things to her.
I told her I didn’t appreciate her passing my emails to her around, to which she told me she thought that I was trying to break her and M apart.
This completely blew me away.
I can stand arguing with people and working things out, that is fine, but it is not fine when I am accused of being some slimy bitch who has been somehow in cahoots all this time and has for some reason been working for the past seven years to get M back.
I find it difficult to even describe how hurt I was by this accusation. All this time I had been supporting and encouraging M to be with her, to do it when the time was right and not while she was still in a relationship, and to only tell her he loved her when he was really sure.
Then to be accused of something that is so completely ridiculous I was disgusted to even read it…I can’t even tell you how that felt. It made me sick.
So many tears shed, so many attempts to make things right, and I get accused of a disgusting intent that was complete bullshit. It felt like I had been shot in the heart.
I think the worst part is that I had struggled to be attracted to M when we dated in the FIRST place, so for her to think that I would move me, my boyfriend of almost three years now, and my two dogs to a new city just in some kind of a secret plot to break M up with her so that I could…I don’t’ know…I guess she thought I would want to drop my life and start some kind of magical whirlwind with someone I am dreadfully UN-attracted to?
That’s when I ended it all. I cannot stand by and be accused of being some secretive slut who really wants everything to herself. I am not that person, and I will not have anyone in my life who thinks of me like that. I have worked so hard to be a good person and do the right thing, and then to have someone call me the opposite…ugh.
I knew that saying I didn’t want to speak to her ever again would mean that I wouldn’t speak to M again, and that broke my heart a million times over. It was like telling my own family to never speak to me again. I am so torn up inside about having to tell him that I couldn’t be a part of someone’s life who thinks of me like that because I know I am not that person. I am not the person that she says that I am.
I want to love my boyfriend, I want to love my dogs, I want a happy life, and she just tore into me like I’ve never known.
So I said goodbye to both of them. I told them both that they will never speak to me again, and that I will not stand by and be accused of being this really horrid person. That I had done nothing but support their relationship, and that I was sorry for the initial upset. What I am not sorry for is standing up for myself.
They both just made me feel like I am a really bad person, and I can’t seem to shake that haunting feeling. To be thought of as this terrible being when all I want is to make the world a little bit better, just to work for a charity, to go home to my little family of dogs and people, and be happy that I could make a little difference at the end of the day.
I feel like they’ve stolen that. Like they left me with this awful grime all over me, and that nothing I can do will make me okay again.
And to think I lost a huge part of my history by losing my best friend. It hurts so much. It’s like all of these stories and reference points and things I’ve laughed at over the past seven years are tainted by how awful it feels to even think of M. He knew me like my own family, and yet we’ve drifted so far apart over the past two years, only to end like this.
Maybe I’m not so sad about losing the current M, maybe what I’m crying about is how I lost the good M a long time ago.