Posts Tagged 'food'


My sister just left after visiting with my niece for a few days over the long weekend. I’m pretty sure that because I am going to be alone tonight until 11pm that I will likely be lonely.
You have a 6 year old around and then BOOM, they are gone and there’s no noise. What will I do?!
I miss my sister and my niece already, waaaah *insert copious amounts of whining here*
However, I do love Vancouver, so at least I still get to live somewhere awesome.
Also, I am very gassy today. I can’t think why. I eat the same crap every day! Except today I am eating grapes, but I’m pretty sure grapes don’t make you fart.
Or do they??

Food, or something like it

Son of a beeeeee!  I didn’t post yesterday.  For shame!  However, I will post this and then post again later, so shhhhh!

Do you ever try a new recipe and then it all smells and looks good, and then you taste it and it sort of tastes like nothing?  This happened yesterday with some polenta I was making with kale, tomato and goat cheese.  Sounds pretty good, and it took me like a half hour to cook, and in the end it didn’t really taste like anything!  I guess that’s the gamble when you try something new.  I also recently made a couscous salad with raisins and cucumber that wasn’t that good either.

I feel like I’ve wasted such money when I make something and it’s not great. Well, I guess I have because then we don’t eat it.  I usually don’t know how to make the recipe taste any better, either, so it usually gets thrown out.

What the toots can I even do with polenta?  It’s apparently a sub for pasta, but frankly, it doesn’t seem like it to me.  They have completely different texture, and they don’t taste the same.  Maybe it’s because once you slather tomato sauce on either, they both end up tasting the same.

The kale was kind of weird too.  I boiled it and it had a really weird smell.  Though that was the first time I touched kale, so I have no idea if it’s even supposed to smell like that.

 If only I could spend someone ELSE’s money on food, I’d have it made.  Alas.  

Looks like I’ll be enjoying a simple, microwavable burrito today!

Actually, this reminds me of a game I like to play when I smell something really weird cooking, which usually happened when I worked at a hospital.  I call it, “Poop or Food?”  Sometimes you just catch a whiff os a smell and you’re all like, “Is this poop I am smelling, or is it stinky food?”, or at least, I smell things like that.  Especially at a hospital.  Unfortunately I get to play that game very little now.  People just don’t seem to poop and eat as close together in an office as they do in a hospital.  Such a shame.

Bacon and Chocolate, together at last

So my neighbor comes out into the hallway as Steve and I are taking the dogs out for a walk, and he passes us both a chunk of chocolate and is like, “Oh man!  Try this!” 

So I do, because well, he’s a chef, so he won’t feed me anything crazy….I think?

It’s salty and chocolat-y, so I think, “hmm, is there bull testicle in this or something crazy?”

No!  It was BACON.


picture-4And I shit you not, it tasted okay!  I mean, he broke off a huge piece for me, but it wasn’t too bad.  The only thing I was thinking was that I might be chewing bacon fat, which I don’t really want in my chocolate….

All this bacon chocolate can be yours, for a mere…$7.50!  WTF!


I’m pretty sure my sister is going to want this.

Fruits & Veggies: Love & Hate


Why do they always stuff a bunch of cantaloupe in a fruit salad?  Any by ‘they’, I mean EVERYONE.  Are cantaloupes that much cheaper?  It’s certainly not for the taste!  In fact, I think the cheapness of the fruit may directly relate to the deliciousness of the fruit.  Like how raspberries are so expensive.  They are expensive because they are DELICIOUS.  Cantaloupe? Not so much.  I am basically forcing myself to eat the cantaloupe out of the salad because it makes up the largest portion of the salad.  How sad.

It’s like cantaloupe is the nerd of the fruits.  It doesn’t look particularly good.  It’s sort of got this 80s stucco look to it, and it comes in a few pastel colors.  In fact, I think cantaloupes are stuck in the 80s.  They need the What Not to Wear crew to get in on this shit and fix them up.  

My apologies to those out there who loves  cantaloupe!  I do not.  In fact, I refused to eat it when I was younger.  Only when I grew up and paid for a fruit salad with my own money did I start eating the lame parts of my fruit salads.

I suppose I do the same thing with a plate of veggies.  I will often selectively avoid one of the veggies.  And it’s not that I don’t like pretty much every veggie, but I eat like a bird and pick at certain parts of my food.  I think I pick out peppers?  

I used to love broccoli, then I hated it, and now I am okay with it.  It’s like we used to date and broccoli broke my vegetable heart, and we didn’t speak for a while.  We’re on speaking terms now, but we’ll never be the same as we were.  Broccoli just hurt me too much.  YOU NEVER CALL, BROCCOLI, YOU NEVER CALL.

And speaking of veggies I used to hate, I really used to hate yams.  But you know what?  YAMS ARE DELICIOUS.  I think I used to hate them because they were orange?  I wouldn’t even taste them.  Now I drench them in butter and a dash of salt and I feel like I am some kind of groumet chef.  But really, the yams are doing all the work.  Sure, they look like turds, but they are probably the most delicious turds I’ve ever had.  But a turd rating isn’t a very good rating scale anyway, and not just for food!

How about you?  What fruits and veggies do you love/hate?

Tasty Mistakes

So you’re hungry, you haven’t eaten since 2pm.  It’s 8pm.  You’re at Costco and you think, “hey, they have pizza for $2!”  So you buy a slice, which is actually two smaller slices still attached and you think, “AWESOME.” and you eat it.  And some french fries. And pop.

And then today you pay.  OH how you pay.  OUT THE BUTT.

Sometimes I really wonder about my food judgement.  But it tasted so good going in!  Too bad it exploded coming out.

But I love pizza so much.  I might as well get an IV and inject it into  myself.

Coffee and Cooking

After working for Starbucks for 3 years, and now having not worked for them for about 3 years, I can still say that I am addicted to caffeine. I get a headache each day if I don’t have some sort of coffee-based item in the morning.  Oh my poor brain.  I’ve had a few moments of, “why do I feel like shit today?  I am so TIRED.  Wait wait, I haven’t had any coffee!” and then all is well again. 

Oddly enough, when you do one of those herbal cleanses, they don’t make you go off caffeine. You’d think they would want you to clear out your caffeine as well, but maybe it’s the caffeine that keeps you from going nuts.  I can vouch for that, having done a cleanse while working at Starbucks.
I’ve probably just got Starbucks on the brain because I am looking at my white mocha.  My delicious, 500 calorie white mocha.  I’m pretty sure that’s a third of what I’m supposed to intake calorie-wise on a daily basis?  But basically I am having it as a breakfast substitute, so whatever.  Breakfast it is!
On another note, has anyone bought anything that they have immediately lost?  I bought some thigh high tights from H&M and I cannot find them for the life of me.  And I bought them THREE WEEKS AGO.  They are still in the sock packaging.  I bought them so that when I wear a dress to work this Fall and Winter, my legs don’t FALL OFF from the cold.  Such is the way of the building I work in.  Heating?  Pfft.  That’s for suckers.  I don’t know where the heat even comes from in this building?  Wait wait, there’s a radiator on the exact OPPOSITE side of the room, which would explain why no one over there is cold.  Alas, I am by myself on the other side of the room, administrating my way through the day.
And just to randomly change topic again, I hope everyone  had a delightful Thanksgiving in Canada, and I hope you had a nice Columbus Day in the States!  I’d like to take a moment and brag that I cooked my first piece of meat.  EVER.  A turkey leg.  It was probably one of the worst things I’ve ever had to do, since I don’t eat meat.  But I cooked the hell out of that leg, and apparently it was delicious.  I looked up about 4 references on cooking a turkey leg, and so I was pretty sure I had it down.  Steve is still alive, so that’s a good sign that it was cooked!  Yesterday Steve asked our neighbor, Anthony about cooking meat, just to make sure.  He said it was all good.  Oh yeah, I should explain who Anthony is.  He’s this guy:

And he hosts this show:

on the Food Network!  What a good neighbor to have when you are cooking things that you are clearly not qualified to cook!  And frankly, he and his girlfriend are the best looking neighbors that anyone could have.  
Anyway, I managed to pull off a little Thanksgiving meal for Steve and I, and I also bought little doggie peanut butter cups from  this place:
I gave them to the dogs when we had pumpkin pie.  I bought two for each dog, and put them on little plates for them to enjoy.  Winston was a bastard though and managed to steal one of Zelda’s while she was trying to wolf down the first one, so he got 3 instead of 2.  What a dick!  I even tried to pry the cup out of his mouth, but he held strong and just ran away like he was covered in butter!  His punishment came later when he spent a half hour trying to throw up.  He didn’t, but he was heaving for a good amount of time.  Nothing says Thanksgiving like having to hold an old towel under your dog while he heaves!

Anything you can do, I can do stinkier.


This city stinks, as in smells really bad.

I can’t get over how bad some parts of downtown Vancouver smell.  Some of the things I’ve smelled I can’t even figure out because they are these grotesque combinations of so many repulsive smells that it’s hard to even decipher.  You might be asking why I even try to decipher the smells, but really there’s nothing else I CAN do while walking through these wafts of Hell.

Yesterday when I walked to work I’d say about 80% of the time I was trying not to breathe too deeply so that I didn’t inhale too much garbage/poop smell. But really?  Talking about poop smells isn’t that fun, so I shall move to other things.

It’s raining today, which is like a frigging MIRACLE to me.  I want to go dance in the rain.  This is like OPTIMUM temperature now for me.  I can walk home without wanting to die in a pool of sweat, and I can actually sleep with a blanket!  Bring on the blankets and the sweaters!  Maybe I can even start up knitting if it goes cold out here!  I tried knitting in heat and it was really a NO GO.  The thought of touching wool was making me ill!

Also?  The sammich I am eating is gross.  Though, a lot of food is gross to me right now.  It’s because of the meds, so I am basically trying to cram a titload of food into my system so that I don’t, you know, DIE of starvation.  I think I was up at around midnight on the weekend thinking, “what did I eat today?” and I basically had only eaten one burrito and some crackers and cheese.  It wasn’t even a fancy burrito, it was just a crappy frozen one!  I was like, hmm, I’ve eaten like 500 calories….no wonder I feel like ASS.  I’ve managed to lose 2 pounds though, so I dunno, that’s pretty cool.  I put on some shorts from last year that were tight at the beginning of the summer, and I’m all like, “Heeeey, check it out, there’s space in my shorts for a hamburger!”  

I’m currently trying to figure out how to actually grocery shop effectively.  I think they should teach you this in school, because frankly my grocery shopping varies so much that in one go I can spend like $190, but at the end of two weeks there’s like ZERO food in the apartment.  I can’t even tell if that’s a lot of money for 2 weeks for 2 people?  Is it?  Shit.  I have no idea.  I’m going to try and up the “super good for you” veggies, and maybe even pick up a veggie cookbook or something.

I read an article on the BBC or MSN or some other acronym website I can’t remember  that was talking about being able to eat vegan for $7 a day, to which I basically spat at my computer.  How is that possible?!  I read on and they explained a week of meals, some of which said that you should eat eggs and potatoes for lunch.  WHAT?  Eggs and potatoes?!  What kind of a shit-ass lunch is that?!  And when do you put eggs and potatoes together, except at breakfast?!  And HOW do I take eggs and potatoes to work for lunch?!  Am I supposed to scramble an egg and like, boil a potato?  That sounds like a TERRIBLE lunch.  I think they should have titled the article “How to eat really plain food and have no fun on $7 a day.”


I am at work early, so I can say hi to all of you!


I’d also like to take a moment and tell you how sweaty I get from walking to work.  I’ve never walked to work, so now the act of walking briskly for 20 min in the morning to get here makes me sweat.  Then it takes me 20 min to return to a normal temperature.  Then I get cold.  You’d think being part German would maybe adapt me to cold, but for some reason, unless it is over 25 degrees, I am almost always cold.  What’s worse though than coming to work and sitting with sweaty pits from a brisk workout?!  Blah!  I actually needed to dab off with a tissue yesterday (my forehead, that is)!  I should just run into the office and dump the water cooler on myself when I get here.

I would have thought maybe I wouldn’t sweat so much after three weeks, but apparently this will be going on for quite a while….mmmm, who wants to rub up against me?  Anyone???

Also, the dogs have been barfing, and I can’t quite figure out what exactly is keeping them on the barf train.  I was giving them some of those really crunchy freeze dried liver treats or whatever the hell they are…I think they’re called Barking Mad?  Anyhow, since my dogs don’t like to, you know, CHEW, they ended up barfing because the liver thing isn’t digesting because they SWALLOW THEM WHOLE.  I feel bad enough when I eat a chip that I haven’t chewed enough.  You know what I’m talkin’ about!  When you don’t chew it enough and it drags like a rusty razor blade down your esophagus.  Shit, I don’t even like to talk about it.  That’s how much that sucks.  Anyhow, think of swallowing a chip that’s about 5 times as thick without chewing.  HOW DO DOGS DO THAT?!  Crazy bastards.

Zelda threw up on the sofa, which leads me even further into wanting a leather couch, so at least then I can hose it off!  Luckily, Steve found out that someone is renting a steam cleaner in the building, to which I think I heard angels singing out on high.  I figure I ought to just steam clean the whole effing apartment.  You know, make the most of the rental!

Sighing Like a Furnace

I seem to write a lot when I am eating, which makes me want to tell you all about the delicious food I am eating.  Ready?  Go!

 I am enjoying a nice, warm bowl of french onion soup.  Is there much else that tastes better on a cold, wet day?  I doubt it.  Not to mention it makes my breath smell like an old farm.  Love it.

Isn’t it just the cheese though that really makes this soup?  You can pretty much put cheese on anything and I will eat it with a vengance.  Lasagna, pizza, nachos, a tire–you name it.  I once did a cleanse when I was working at Starbucks a few years ago and I wasn’t allowed to have any dairy.  I was NOT HAPPY.  I know now that I can never be vegan…unless I develop a thirst for bludgeoning people out of rage.  Wouldn’t that be kind of ironic?

Along the lines of keeping warm, I want to show you the absolute ugliest piece of knitwear I have ever seen.  It was in my knitting pattern-a-day calendar, and it’s called the “bikini mitten.”

What can I say, really?  I think this atrocity speaks for itself.  Now I mean, I am fairly new to knitting (having learned when I was 15, and then having not knit for a good nine years), but is the knitting world running out of ideas?  Clearly, someone is.  What purpose does this serve?  It’s not going to keep your hands warm, and it doesn’t look nice, so WHY DOES IT EXIST?  It’s like they had 364 good patterns and then they just needed that one last pattern, and someone got attacked by a rabid dog or something and thought, “hey, my mittens look like a little bikini now, that is so hot.”

I spit on you, bikini mitten. *spits*

 Now if I show you something THAT ugly, I have to show off something nice.  Check out my entrelac scarf!

Isn’t it bootiful?  It took me a good 20 tries (I kid you not) to actually get the beginning of this damn scarf right, but now I am on my merry little way, and it’s looking like it’s going to be a favourite, you know, when I finally get done.  I’m using this really nice Japanese yarn that I am BANANAS over, and it’s making the scarf look really interesting.  I love how it looks woven, but it’s actually just one, continuous piece of yarn.  I THINK I JUST BLEW YOUR MIND.

Anyhow, all this typing is stopping me from eating my soup!  I must finish the cheese!

K, bye!

Dooce is like my Jesus

“they both begin sniffing and circling the yard going, no, not there, not there either, maybe here? No, not here, wait, not yet, I think I’m getting closer, here? YES. HERE. THIS IS THE SPOT I WAS LOOKING FOR. Because that spot of yard is so very different from the THOUSANDS OF OTHER SPOTS IN THE YARD. DOGS ARE SO WEIRD.”

Hello?  Could that be any more spot on in regards to dogs?  I love it.

PS: I just went out and purchased the BSITW, which is short for THE BEST SAMMICH IN THE WORLD.  Maybe it’s because I didn’t eat breakfast, or maybe it’s that I am lightheaded from no medication, but I just ate said sammich and some greek salad, and I think I had some kind of a food orgasm because of how FUCKING DELICIOUS my lunch was.  It was like I had never eaten.  Ever.  Or maybe my tastebuds were dead my whole life, and somehow biting into some fresh greek salad made my terrible black and white world burst into technicolour.  I want to cry with joy just thinking about it.

And it’s that last sentence that confirms that it’s just my meds.

BUT THE SAMMICH WAS SO GOOOOOOOOOOD.  I wish I could scan it and have you all lick your computers.  That’s how good it was.

July 2020
262728293031 collective fashion consciousness.