Posts Tagged 'bathroom stuff'

Tissue and Leaves

I feel like one big, giant germ.  It’s like I am emitting some sort of disgusting pheromone that keeps people away.  No one wants to come near you when you’re sick!  And I’m even on the mend!  I think everyone at work things I am on the verge of dying or something, so they really don’t come over to my side of the room.  Pfft, their loss, I am over here chillin’ with a mountain of tissues and an empty cup from Starbucks, yo!  Party over here!  I’m also coughing all over everything on my desk, and I know how much people love being a part of that.
I sort of feel like I am leaving a film all over everything I touch.  Like one of the Slerm slugs.  If you want to know where I’ve been all day, follow the trail of boogers!
Anyway, onto things other than germs.  I feel like I could tell you guys a poop story every day of the year.  I don’t know what it is with bathrooms and me.  It’s like we have this never-ending relationship where the bathroom won’t stop calling me and I’m all like, “bathroom, we went on one date, stop buying me stuff and showing up at my house uninvited.”  Or maybe that was someone I dated.  They both fit.  Anyway, I show up for my morning potty break and the ladies potty is locked, so whatever, I unlock the mens (there’s only one toilet in each room), but as I unlock the mens, I smell a grotesque smell coming from one of the bathrooms.  I step back and wonder if some lady is pooping out a pumpkin from a few days ago, but no, as I get the men’s door unlocked I am slapped with what can only be described as acid bathed anus.  And my nose is partially plugged!  Can you imagine what would have become of me had I been smellin’ free and easy?!  I don’t wan to think about it.  Anyway, I step in, almost challenging the smell to a duel, and I shut the door.  And then I gag!  I gagged at a poop smell!  I hear the ladies door unlock and the woman leaves, so I high tail it the hell out of the men’s bathroom and into the ladies and lock myself in.  And I gag again from the memory!  Lord help that poor man’s anus, wherever it is.
Oh yes, and to answer the questions in the last post, indeed that leaf was real!  Yes, we have normal every day leaves out here, but we also seem to have these mutant freak leaves that are as big as a dinner plate, so imagine a gust of Autumn air blowing past and releasing an army of 100 sheets of plate-sized leaves!  Terrible!  Zelda almost got swept away by one on the weekend at the dog park!  Just to show you another angle of these monsters, here’s Steve with one of the leaves:

I ought to wax paper a bunch of these and make myself a stylish outfit.  That or some kind of freaky mask.

The Stall of Humiliation


Nevis brought up an interesting question today, to which I will answer with a post!
Am I a bathroom stall farter?
To put it simply, no.  But we know there’s more to the story than that!
I can’t say I’ve ever farted in a public bathroom stall when I’ve had control.  I am pretty sure I’ve slipped up more than once though and it just came tooting out like a trumpet.  If I can contain myself, I will.  If I am sure it will come out silently, I will let it out.  If I know it will be loud, I try and either squeeze it out slowly as not to create a noise, or I will hold it in.
Seriously, I have trouble even peeing in a public bathroom stall.  I believe this developed while I worked in Banff for some reason.  Probably because the bathrooms were VERY small and usually only had two….WAIT!  I know when it started.  It started earlier in college.  So I used to go to the bathroom before this one particular class in the mornings, and we were in a weird old part of the college where the bathrooms were, for whatever reason, hidden.  I have drawn a map for reference.
Each pink star is a door.  As you can see, for some reason you had to walk through 3 doors to get INTO the bathroom.  It was a disaster from the start.  
Anyway, so I get up to go to the bathroom before class and go into a stall.  Now, there’s maybe 3 stalls in there.  I’m by myself, so I let one rip, but just as I do, a classmate walked in.  And isn’t going to the bathroom.  She’s just standing doing her makeup or something.  So I sit for a minute in my own fart humiliation, waiting to see if she’d leave.  I’m thinking at this point she doesn’t know who it is, so I am safe.  So I sit for a minute, but she’s not leaving, and class is about to start, so I shamefully open the stall door and wash my hands.  We exchange awkward hellos and I go back to class.
I’m pretty sure I got so worked up over that, that I just stopped farting anywhere that there might be people!  I never asked this girl about it, but we ended up becoming pretty good school friends, so I’ve always been curious about whether she’d remember that or not.  I can tell you that I was personally quite embarrassed.  
I think that freaked me out enough that I can’t even stand to pee in a bathroom with other people, even when I’m in my own stall.  You know, as opposed to those times where you pee in broad daylight in public, am I right?  Now I have to pee while plugging my ears because otherwise I am so overly aware of the sounds I am making that I can’t even deal with it.
Colour me neurotic!
Is anyone out there doing anything weird in the crapper?

The Iceberg Bathroom

Oooh yeah, there’s nothing like waking up late for work, am I right?!  Every once in a while my phone’s alarm won’t go off and let me tell you what a fun morning THAT makes.  Waking up with a gasp of, “WHAT TIME IS IT?!” and then checking the time only to see that it’s 40 minutes AFTER you were supposed to be up!  Oh boy!  

I don’t think I’ve ever flown out of the shower so fast in my life.  I have to shower, even if I’m late.  I feel like a dirty sock when I don’t shower.  

That used to happen sometimes at the hospital when I’d wake up late, and then I’d have to sit in scrubs all dirty with unwashed hair all day thinking I smelled.  I probably didn’t smell at all.

I managed to get ready and out the door in 35 minutes, which is actually like a fucking miracle for me, as I somehow take 50 minutes usually (what am I DOING?!).  Though I did look in the mirror and my hair seems to be a little busted.  What’s worse is that I am sweating like a hog from having to basically Sonic the Hedgehog it all the way to work, a walk which usually takes oh, 30 min took me maybe 10-15.  I would have hoped after long enough of a stretch of walking to work that I’d be totally in shape for walking to and from work, but no no, I am still sweatin’ to the oldies by the time I finally rest my butt in my chair.  I’m surprised that I don’t just melt completely, but that’s probably because come Autumn, my office here turns into an iceberg.  

What is it with these historical buildings???  Did they not have HEAT?  Wait, probably not.  That’s why going to the bathroom is like going pee in an igloo.

And also?  Why do people have the WORST BATHROOM EXPERIENCES all at one time in the morning?  Some stinky dude put the men’s bathroom out of order, and now the women’s bathroom smells like a pig farm.  ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS FILL THE WATERING CAN FOR ALL THE PLANTS IN MY OFFICE THAT I SEEM TO BE KILLING!!  Is it too much to ask for someone to oh, crack a window if they are shitting themselves?  Ridiculous.

You’re doing it wrong!

I was thinking about the age-old question I asked maybe a month or so ago of whether you bunch or fold your tp.  Then someone brought it up at work and I started to think that an even better question is whether you put the tp roll on so that the sheet comes OVER the top, or UNDER the bottom.
These are absolutely the most simple things that cause insane amounts of chaos when people disagree, especially if they live together.
I just assumed my whole life that the roll went over.  Whenever someone put it on the other way, I assumed that they did it wrong, so I would correct it and put it on so it was back to being over.
Then I met someone who was bent on putting the roll UNDER.  It was like talking to someone from bizzaro-land, where everything is backwards.
I’m trying to understand the physics behind why putting the roll on under would be better to putting it on over?
When the roll is over I feel like I have more control over the sheets I get.  If it’s under, I feel like I’ve got to manhandle the roll to get the right amount of paper off.
This is one of those situations similar to not putting the cap on toothpaste, or, for that matter, putting the cap on and *gasp* not wiping the extra toothpaste off the cap!

I am not a wiper-of-toothpaste, but I will say that I can see where the wipers are coming from, because you’re saving yourself the issue later of having to try and wipe the cap off with a piece of tp, only to remember that toothpaste pretty much GLUES itself to tp and then you’ve got a toothpaste AND tp problem happening.  I don’t know a good way to even deal with that.  Automatically I grab tp or a tissue to wipe the tube, and ALWAYS I end up with a ripped piece of tp stuck to the opening.  I never think to just finger the crap off the side, because for whatever reason I don’t want to actually touch the toothpaste with my hand.
As if the worst thing in the bathroom is toothpaste.  I think NOT!  Plenty of other poopy-related things happen in the bathroom that are much worse than toothpaste goo.

July 2020
262728293031 collective fashion consciousness.