Archive for the 'weekend' Category

By the power of Grey Skull!

Today was pretty much awesome. I got to sleep in, which is always a delight. Sadly, Steve had to move some furniture at his mom’s place, so he didn’t get the pleasure of waking up to my glorious explosive mullet this morning. His loss!
When I woke up, I thought I’d watch Planet Earth on the Discovery Channel, because a little someone named OPRAH said that it would be on ALL DAY on Earth Day. I expected to see sweet animals like this:

I think I’m going to buy the BBC version on Tuesday when it comes out since OPRAH LIED TO ME.

After I dried my environmental tears, I waited for Steve to get back and we went to our pug meetup.
I wasn’t even there five minutes and the craziest thing happened! Meimei ran up to me and peed right on the crotch of my pants, and then ran off! Perhaps she was giving me what for, for when Winston came over to Amanda and Jerry’s with Zelda and us and Winston took a pee near their food bowls. Maybe she felt I needed to have a pee accident in my 20s. If only I spoke the language of the pug. All I know is that I spent the hour having lovely conversations with friends with a big ‘ol pee stain on my crotch. Basically it looked like I got a little too excited about the meetup! I love Meimei and Miko though, so it was okay. Sometimes dogs just need to take a leak on other peoples crotches. I’m cool with that.

Actually, speaking of peeing, I had the fortune to see a whacked-out hobo with his pants down to his knees, taking a huge dump at the front doors of a notoriously racist bar. Lucky for us, we were stopped at a red light, so not only did we see bare ass, AND poop come out of someone’s butt, but he also managed to shove his genitals out near his pooper to take a pee on his freshly deposited feces! Ahhh, you don’t see that kind of sweet action in the suburbs!

After that, Steve and I went to get tickets to Hot Fuzz.
Now before I tell you just how flipping amazing this movie is, I have a fart story.

I was standing in the chain bookstore by the movie theatre, looking at classic literature, when Steve angrily commented about how they didn’t carry “Slaughterhouse Five.” He stomped a bit to make a joke of it, and then farted quite possibly the loudest anus burp I have ever heard executed in public. It was only after he let the big one go, that he realized that he had blown a huge fart out in the middle of a busy bookstore. And this is why I love him.

Anyhow, Hot Fuzz was easily the best movie I’ve seen in 2007. It was 100%, grade A comedy and action.

My favorite line:
“I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be a police officer, except for the summer of 1979 when I wanted to be Kermit the frog.”

And you can pretty much tell why it was amazing.

Nothing Covers up Dump like the Fresh Scent of Pine.

Wool. When I am cold, you are there for me, covering me in your lovely sheepy warmth. You make me insanely itchy though. We’re talking want-to-set-myself-aflame crazy itchy. I don’t even know why I own anything wool anymore. Damn this sweater that I thought was cotton! I am an itchy, wooly fool.
I also have a bone to pick with mother nature. Where I live, Chinooks happen. Along with Chinooks come extremely bizarre weather changes. Just as quickly as it blasts 10cm of snow, the weather goes back up to 17 Celsius and all the snow melts. Then it does the same thing all over again, and again, and again. I don’t remember the last time the weather stayed constant for a week! Along with this, any good city folk here knows that to be properly dressed for the ever-changing weather, that they must bring with them the entire contents of their coat closet. Boots, wellies, sandals, rain coat, umbrella, scarf, mitts, toque, blow torch, etc. Some of us even have the luxury of experiencing weather-change headaches! YES! As if we weren’t slave enough to the whims of the earth, we get to experience blasting migraines every time the temperature drastically changes! Damn, mother nature, at least buy me dinner first!
This also makes it difficult to take the dogs out. One day it’s beautiful out—no coat required, and we get to take an hour long walk. The next day there is 10cm of snow outside and it’s -25 with the windchill!

Anyhow, aside from complaining about the draining aspects of global warming, I’d like to talk to you about the grossest farmers market I’ve ever been to. I took Steve this weekend after he pleaded to be a part of the fantastic stink-fest that is the Crossroads Market. If you’re wondering what it’s like at this particular market, just imagine setting up shop inside a sweaty butthole for the weekend. There were more mullets and sweatpants than I’d like to remember. My all-time favorite product that I saw was the popular “air freshener teddy bear.” You too can add another teddy bear to your pile, but this one has a magical difference: it blasts out a variety of over-the-top smells out of its head! Finally! I was just thinking to myself the other day (as I look at my giant teddy bear collection, of course), “Wouldn’t it be great to own a teddy bear that not only looks cute, but covers up the smell of feces too?!” AND THERE IT WAS.

To make your own fantastic teddy air freshener, I suggest slicing open a beloved childhood toy, ripping out all the stuffing, and plowing a really cheap air freshener can in there. It’ll look about the same.

February 2020
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23242526272829 collective fashion consciousness.