Archive for the 'poop' Category

Denny’s makes my bum rumble.

I just wanted to make a quick post and say that the serial morning pooper is back again. This time it wasn’t so bad. Or maybe it was as bad, but it was a different stink. Or maybe everyone on this floor had a bad bout of food poisoning this weekend.
Actually, that might make more sense, because I tried to go for Japanese yesterday, but the little restaurant was full, so we went to Denny’s and I thought it was fine, but later on in the evening when I was giving Steve a haircut I had to stop like 4 times because I had such bad stomach pain. Then I had a really bad poop myself.
Denny’s = bathroom FAIL.
“Pardon me dear, but I feel like I am going to shit my pants, can you please leave the bathroom half way through your haircut and let me have a terrible poop, and then come back in and let me finish? Great!”
This man loves me for letting that scenario actually play out my friends.
I think I’m okay today, but as I type this I realize I still have a small gurgling in my stomach, so I don’t know if it’s over yet…
Maybe *I* will turn into the terrible morning pooper! Well, if I keep eating at Denny’s I probably will.
Which reminds me, when we were seated, we got sat in probably the most depressing section of that restaurant with all the really old people and these older couples that looked bummed to even sit with one another.
In particular, there was this couple behind Steve that were a total drain to even look at. The husband was reading the paper at the table and not talking to his wife, and the wife was seriously sitting at the table with her eyes shut and a frown permanently etched on her face. Looking at that kind of shit just makes me want to slap both of those people and say, “Look, maybe you’d better call it a day on this relationship, or else you’d both better start actually speaking to one another! I can’t take it!” I hope to high heaven that I don’t end up like that, but I have a good feeling I won’t. I just look at people like that and think, ‘how did it come to this?!” You live in a really exciting city, but you’re sitting in a Denny’s reading a paper and not talking. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

80% Sure it’s a Woman

I can’t figure out if it was the constant waking up last night, or the dogs standing on my hair this morning that gave me this slow burn of a headache. Outrageous! Oh well, I’ve taken two of those fast-acting Tylenol, oh right right, “Rapid Release,” which almost rapidly-released in my mouth because I didn’t swallow them right away. Apparently too much Advil will kill you or something, so now I’m onto Tylenol. Wait, I bet it’s just because I cancelled my chiro this week. The Dr. is somehow killing me using his magical chiro telepathy. What a goon!
Also, I forgot to water the plants at work this week on Monday, so I hauled ass to the bathroom to fill the watering can and when I opened the door I got slapped in the face with a burst of terrible, evil post-poop smell. I hate smelling anyone’s old poop smell, especially when you can tell by the smell that it was a really awful poop. I don’t know how I can tell, I just can. It is my gift. It is my curse. I guess if you’re going to have a terrible poop, it’s going to be first thing, but it seems like every time I go into that bathroom right when I get to work, someone has had an awful poop. I should leave a note explaining,

“To the person having terrible shits in this bathroom in the morning:

Let’s talk about your diet. This isn’t normal.



But you know what? I don’t think I want to know who it is. Would it make it better? I am 80% sure it’s a woman, unless some man is just going to the larger ladie’s bathroom to take a dump. Which, I happen to think is 20% likely.

I’ll catch you one day, mystery pooper.

Because we all need to know.

Get out your nose plugs

I am currently sitting between two of the stinkiest dogs in the city! They keep silently tooting out these horrific farts. It’s always the ones that don’t make noise that stink the WORST. I guess maybe the dogs are extra stinky from me having to give them “don’t eat your own poop” pills. I started them on a new brand yesterday because I managed to catch Zelda face first in a turd a few days ago.
I just don’t get it. How can a turd taste any worse? I mean, I haven’t eaten a turd myself, so I wouldn’t really know the fine dining that is poop, but I really can’t see anything appetizing about a steaming hot pile of poop.

I only WISH I had the words to say

Oh man you guys. There is some major poopdinglings going on at my work, and I can’t even really explain to you what’s happening, lest I get “found out” again and Dooced or just sued or something. Damnit, it’s killing me not being able to say! Well, in very plain language that is very vague, let’s just say that the place I am employed at is currently in a bit of a “financial turdfest.” Like, we’re struggling.

That, coupled with an accountant who thrives on making me crap myself by showing me how much we SHOULD have compared to how much we DO have, makes me want to pass out.

I plan on talking to the boss, because I think he’d give it to me straight, because seriously, I need to know if I should be looking for another job. Like that’s pretty much where we are at. JEBUS!

On a lighter note though, last night Steve was kind of messing around with Winston and scrappin’ with him on the floor in the living room. I saw Winston’s ass slowly lift to the skies as Steve kind of tickled Winston, only to hear a wee toot escape from Winston’s sphincter as he was on his back, flailing his limbs in delight. I proceeded to almost wet myself from laughter. I wish, I really WISH that dogs knew how funny I thought farts were, and how much I would like to thank not only dogs, but all the animals of the world for expressing their gas in a free and lively manner. I live for things like that, which means that I am a pretty simple person to please.

And finally, I was having another insane discussion that you will all marvel at. I was arguing with Steve about the phrase “shitting your pants.” Furthermore, we can add to that the phrase “shit MY pants.”

Yes, when we were kids (or maybe adults, I am not judging you) we have all pooped ourselves once (at least). I will admit that as a kid, I was so scared to poop (I used to poop monster-sized turds, I don’t know why) that I wouldn’t tell anyone that I had to go, and would thus, “shit my pants.” I’m not talking every day, but I’m sure it happened at least like ten times. Anyhow, I was telling this to Steve and he said that when he says “shit my pants” that the phrase “shit my pants” means actually crapping yourself SO HARD that it gets past your barrier of underwear and goes out into your pants, in whatever fashion of assplosion you can think of. Now when I think of “shitting my pants”, I refer to just pooping in my underwear, but not making it past my underpants. I can say to you that I have never physically pooped myself so badly that it’s made its way onto my pants. That is a pretty wicked accomplishment if you ask me. I think the phrase Steve used was, “crapping your underwear” for the simple act of letting a turd (or whatever) seep past your butthole before you get to a toilet, and then “shitting my pants” as the phrase to use when you poop so hard it basically destroys your underwear and goes into your pants too.
When I think of that, though, I then think of all the other scenarios people would have to use if “shitting my pants” wasn’t referring to many poop follies. I had a good laugh at “shitting my dress”, or “shitting my shorts.”

So I bring this question to the people: when you say “shit my/their/your pants,” do you mean literally pooping your pants, or are you using it more in a descrptive and general way?

And yes, these are the kinds of things I talk about with Steve, and that’s why he’s such a dreamboat to me.

Mother Teresa joined the mob and is happy with her full-time job

Clearly I admit that my MS paint drawing skills are less than even good, but hey, I tried to capture the essence of the Duke, you can’t blame me for trying! I haven’t had too much to blog about these past few days as I’ve had to keep going out at night, and I’ve actually been busy during the day!
I had to take a million photos of the shelter I work for, and then I had to travel to this empty building that our organization had donated to us so that we can train people less fortunate with the skills so that they can get a job. It’s pretty sweet. The only bad thing is that this building has the essence of a major haunting about it. I went on a little tour by myself (mistake #1 in a horror movie), and opened a door to the second floor of this building, only to find a HUGE, EMPTY, CREEPY open office space. There were all kinds of stains and weird smells, and it just gave off the worst vibes! I was there at about 10am and I was still thinking that it was just like being on one of those haunting shows where they strap a camera to you and you scream at the sight of basically anything. I’d show you the photos, but sadly, they are top secret nonprofit stuff. Boo!
I had to give up my car for a few days this week to get it fixed by my step-dad. He managed to save me about $900 on car repairs (it needed new brakes, a headlight, and an oil change)! My jaw actually dropped when he told me the price because it was even better than what I thought it was going to be. WHO WILL FIX MY CAR IN VANCOUVER?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
In puppy news, Zelda pooped out the content of her entire torso last night, I swear to God. She took like five poops all over the apartment, and they were all yucky soft-serve esque poops that were super stinky. Then I saw her poop a sixth time before I left for work! YIKES! She was whining in bed last night, which makes me think that her tummy was upset, but I can’t figure out what did it. Maybe the non-fat yogurt as an after dinner snack? They didn’t get anything out of the ordinary really. I guess that’s just the way of the puppy. Wait, they did manage to eat my eyebrow comb…that likely has something to do with it…
I also just found out that a woman I do NOT like at all (back from the adopt a family thing) is moving into the office next to me. I can’t even stand her voice, let alone her being RIGHT next to my office. Excuse me while I set that office aflame…
Actually, I should just leave a Zelda poop somewhere in there…hehehe.

Gross Point Blank.

There are points when you own a puppy (or two) when you think, “okay, I’ve hit the gross point.” It’s that point where you think your dog has done quite possibly the most disgusting thing that it can do, and that no act of God could conjure up a more revolting demonstration of puppy madness.
Take, for instance, eating poop. You’d think that maybe having eaten the food once, that it might be enough. But no! There is clearly another round of digestion in store for that little turd! Then you turn your back for a moment, only to turn back and see your little puppy munching down on a stinky brown log.
Why, Zelda….why?
I am quite serious when I say that I really thought that Zelda’s “gross point” was when Winston threw up and she tried to eat it. MMMMM, OLD DINNER!!!
But no.

My friends, we have hit a new and exciting threshold!


Not only is it poop, but it’s twice eaten food, pooped out, and then eaten, and then flushed out the entrance! It’s like we’re operating backwards!

I’ve never seen an animal poop out of its mouth, but I’m proud to say that my dog has come as close as any animal has.

By the way, poop somehow gets exponentially stinkier when it’s eaten, and then regurgitated. It was -10 yesterday and we had to open all the windows in the house to get the crap smell out.


December 2019
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293031 collective fashion consciousness.


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