Archive for the 'humor' Category

80% Sure it’s a Woman

I can’t figure out if it was the constant waking up last night, or the dogs standing on my hair this morning that gave me this slow burn of a headache. Outrageous! Oh well, I’ve taken two of those fast-acting Tylenol, oh right right, “Rapid Release,” which almost rapidly-released in my mouth because I didn’t swallow them right away. Apparently too much Advil will kill you or something, so now I’m onto Tylenol. Wait, I bet it’s just because I cancelled my chiro this week. The Dr. is somehow killing me using his magical chiro telepathy. What a goon!
Also, I forgot to water the plants at work this week on Monday, so I hauled ass to the bathroom to fill the watering can and when I opened the door I got slapped in the face with a burst of terrible, evil post-poop smell. I hate smelling anyone’s old poop smell, especially when you can tell by the smell that it was a really awful poop. I don’t know how I can tell, I just can. It is my gift. It is my curse. I guess if you’re going to have a terrible poop, it’s going to be first thing, but it seems like every time I go into that bathroom right when I get to work, someone has had an awful poop. I should leave a note explaining,

“To the person having terrible shits in this bathroom in the morning:

Let’s talk about your diet. This isn’t normal.

Regards,

Doozy”

But you know what? I don’t think I want to know who it is. Would it make it better? I am 80% sure it’s a woman, unless some man is just going to the larger ladie’s bathroom to take a dump. Which, I happen to think is 20% likely.

I’ll catch you one day, mystery pooper.

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