Archive for the 'funny' Category

Denny’s makes my bum rumble.

I just wanted to make a quick post and say that the serial morning pooper is back again. This time it wasn’t so bad. Or maybe it was as bad, but it was a different stink. Or maybe everyone on this floor had a bad bout of food poisoning this weekend.
Actually, that might make more sense, because I tried to go for Japanese yesterday, but the little restaurant was full, so we went to Denny’s and I thought it was fine, but later on in the evening when I was giving Steve a haircut I had to stop like 4 times because I had such bad stomach pain. Then I had a really bad poop myself.
Denny’s = bathroom FAIL.
“Pardon me dear, but I feel like I am going to shit my pants, can you please leave the bathroom half way through your haircut and let me have a terrible poop, and then come back in and let me finish? Great!”
This man loves me for letting that scenario actually play out my friends.
I think I’m okay today, but as I type this I realize I still have a small gurgling in my stomach, so I don’t know if it’s over yet…
Maybe *I* will turn into the terrible morning pooper! Well, if I keep eating at Denny’s I probably will.
Which reminds me, when we were seated, we got sat in probably the most depressing section of that restaurant with all the really old people and these older couples that looked bummed to even sit with one another.
In particular, there was this couple behind Steve that were a total drain to even look at. The husband was reading the paper at the table and not talking to his wife, and the wife was seriously sitting at the table with her eyes shut and a frown permanently etched on her face. Looking at that kind of shit just makes me want to slap both of those people and say, “Look, maybe you’d better call it a day on this relationship, or else you’d both better start actually speaking to one another! I can’t take it!” I hope to high heaven that I don’t end up like that, but I have a good feeling I won’t. I just look at people like that and think, ‘how did it come to this?!” You live in a really exciting city, but you’re sitting in a Denny’s reading a paper and not talking. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

Advertisements

80% Sure it’s a Woman

I can’t figure out if it was the constant waking up last night, or the dogs standing on my hair this morning that gave me this slow burn of a headache. Outrageous! Oh well, I’ve taken two of those fast-acting Tylenol, oh right right, “Rapid Release,” which almost rapidly-released in my mouth because I didn’t swallow them right away. Apparently too much Advil will kill you or something, so now I’m onto Tylenol. Wait, I bet it’s just because I cancelled my chiro this week. The Dr. is somehow killing me using his magical chiro telepathy. What a goon!
Also, I forgot to water the plants at work this week on Monday, so I hauled ass to the bathroom to fill the watering can and when I opened the door I got slapped in the face with a burst of terrible, evil post-poop smell. I hate smelling anyone’s old poop smell, especially when you can tell by the smell that it was a really awful poop. I don’t know how I can tell, I just can. It is my gift. It is my curse. I guess if you’re going to have a terrible poop, it’s going to be first thing, but it seems like every time I go into that bathroom right when I get to work, someone has had an awful poop. I should leave a note explaining,

“To the person having terrible shits in this bathroom in the morning:

Let’s talk about your diet. This isn’t normal.

Regards,

Doozy”

But you know what? I don’t think I want to know who it is. Would it make it better? I am 80% sure it’s a woman, unless some man is just going to the larger ladie’s bathroom to take a dump. Which, I happen to think is 20% likely.

I’ll catch you one day, mystery pooper.

Snorlax OWNS!

Last night we shared our dinner plans with a Seagull

A lot of the time out here, people tell you not to feed the seagulls, or should I say, GROTESQUELY HUGE seagulls, because they can get pretty violent on your average person. I mean, I’m not going to mess with a 20 pound seagull when he’s pointing a gun at me, are you?

Anyhow, last night Steve and I went out for pizza to this little pizza shop on Robson, since it is extremely cheap and delicious, and there is an abundance of people watching to be had outside of this little store.

We walk to the shop and get our pizza, and proceed to sit on two fairly “interesting” lawn chairs outside the store. By interesting I mean “likely held together with dirt”. Anyhow, as we’re sitting watching the passers-by, Steve looks suddenly alarmed as he notices a rather large seagull eyeing him up from across the street at the library.

“It’s lookin’ at me….oh my GOD it’s crossing the street….OH MY GOD!!!!”

This seagull literally eyed up Steve from across the street, and then walked, not flew, across the street only to hop up on the curb and position himself about 2 feet awat from Steve and I. He kind of just stands there, waiting for us to do something.

So I bite off a piece of crust and go to throw it at him…

“NO DON’T GIVE HIM FOOD! ARE YOU CRAZY?!”

“Whaaaat? He’s not going to kill us.”

So I throw seagull caution to the wind and throw the crust at the seagull, and you know what? The seagull actually catches it in his mouth.

“Wow, that seagull’s got talent!”

“Let’s name him Jerry!”

So Jerry the seagull continues to stand RIGHT BESIDE us and just waits. Kind of like a dog…with wings, which is awesome. Nearly every time we throw something to Jerry, he catches it in his mouth. LOOK MA, NO HANDS!

He sits beside us all through dinner, and people passing by don’t even phase him, he just continues to stand beside Steve, looking at us. We start to think that maybe Jerry can’t fly, and so we feel bad and give him lots of pizza. People laugh as Jerry continues to stand with us.

This pizza place is right beside the entrance to an alley, so cars are pulling out RIGHT NEXT to Jerry, and Jerry just keeps standing there waiting.

He goes to walk back across the street, but cars are coming and going, and we’re yelling, “NO, JERRY! IT’S NOT SAFE!!!” because Jerry is now our adopted son. Jerry walks back and sits with us. We ask him a few questions, but he’s not much of a talker.

When we get up to leave, we wonder if Jerry will walk with us. Jerry just kind of stands there and looks at us, because, well, Jerry is a bird, and I suggest we keep walking because frankly I don’t think the pugs would take kindly to a seagull in the apartment.

We wonder if Jerry will strut back to the library, but he looks at us for a second more, and then FLYS AWAY.

“THAT SON OF A BITCH TRICKED US!”

Seagulls vs. Crows: Let the Battle Begin!!!

Last night over a $6 cup of coffee (I had to taste it if it’s the most expensive cup in the world, COME ON!), Steve and I got to thinking (and it was probably from the coffee),

“How many birds do you think it would take to lift a human?”

I think this was sparked by seeing a seagull standing on the ledge of the Vancouver Art Gallery, and I mentioned how enormous seagulls are out here. Initially, Steve and I guessed a really arbitrary number of 50. Then when we really started to break down how much weight that each bird could handle between them, I think we finally presumed that about 200 seagulls could lift one of us, and that would be if we were on the top of a building, thus already giving us some room to drop in altitude from the initial takeoff.

I mean, I think seagulls are probably pretty strong for their size, but their wings aren’t too strong looking. They’re not beefy, like those handsome bald eagles, you know?

Then we were thinking about other birds that would be able to carry us. We figured that about 100-150 crows could probably handle a human (sorry PP!). We think that crows are generally smarter than seagulls, and could therefore be trained to pick us up from the ground, rather than lifting us off a building or something.
Then we got to thinking, “but wait! How do we tie all these birds together?!”

We figure that some kind of tethering device, in some kind of a sled-dog formation ought to be able to keep all the birds in line without actually impeding their ability to fly. I can’t see a net system working too well because you’d have to tie it to their feet for it to actually seem plausible….but then again, we’re talking about using birds as transportation here.

Then came the SUPERCROW (as pictured below)!


For the sake of science, Supercrow is pictured with a top hat and a monocle, if only to distinguish him from other, regular crows.

Supercrows are maybe as big as a swan, and therefore can still be trained, but can carry more weight, and as such, we believe that it would only take twenty supercrows to lift a human. I have illustrated this below:

Now all we need to do is genetically engineer twenty supercrows and train them to fly with a human. Pfft, piece of cake.

Winston just took a dump on my leg!

WTF!

Let me explain.

I just got back from the dog park, where we met several new and delightful dogs, including a boston terrier who wanted to hump Zelda to death, and a miniature Australian cattle dog. Man, the dog park is like the hub of socializing about how proud you are of your dog! Single people of the world: find your soul mate at the dog park. Seriously. There are tons of people who are standing around and HELLO, you have a common interest in dogs.

Well, I guess you’d have to either have or borrow a dog to go to the dog park, otherwise I think the jig would be up.

Anyway, back to the pooping.

So we’re walking along the seawall back to the apartment when suddenly Winston decides to squat RIGHT in front of this old couple on a date, on the brick sidewalk. I look at her and she gives me one of those “ugh, of COURSE a dog would do that” kind of look, so I try and tug him onto the grass.

This somehow scares him in mid-turd, at which point he makes an abrupt turn to the left. I look on the ground, expecting to see a poop.

No turd.

Where is the poop?!

AH YES, HE HAS WIPED HIS ANUS ON MY SHIN! EXCELLENT.

So there I am, standing at the doc with a piece of dog shit wiped on my leg. The woman still looking at me.

So I dunno, if anyone needs me to come hang out near them on their date and “set the mood”, I can probably get Winston to take another dump on my leg, or maybe even cough something up onto your shoes.

My leg smells. I’m gonna go wash it.

Sometimes my life is as exciting as THIS!

Here’s how I intended to spend my day. Oh yes, and the large orange section is work…click to enlarge…

Now here’s what really happened:


October 2019
S M T W T F S
« Jun    
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  
LOOKBOOK.nu: collective fashion consciousness.

Twitter

Advertisements