Archive for the 'bathroom stuff' Category

Hey! Here’s something embarassing you should know!

Last week I fell asleep on the toilet.

ON THE TOILET.

We’re talking at like 2pm.

I am such a grandma!

In other news, what the hell would you need this for?

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The Porcelain Dance of my Destiny.

I’m on a bathroom tirade again. I’d like to talk to you today about something I care passionately about—namely…pooping.
You see, I don’t enjoy pooping in public restrooms, but hey, when you work 8 hours in an office, it’s bound to happen. Every other day or so I am forced to drop the kids off at the pool at work, and it is rarely a time to rejoice.
First of all, I am forced with the dilemma of which toilet to use in the restroom. I once read in a magazine that most people are likely to walk down to the last stall in the bathroom, so it’s best to head straight for the stall closest to the door, because that one will have less fecal matter, blah blah on it. I’ve been a subscriber to this for years, and for the most part it’s true. The first stall in a bathroom is often the cleanest.
I think pretty much every woman who works here has somehow read the same article, because the first stall is clearly where most of these ladies are going to assplode.
I began to change my routine, thinking that the last stall would be my stall of choice (for the record, I hate going in the middle stalls. Too much action on either side of me.).
BAD CALL.
Apparently everyone ELSE uses that one.
What is a girl to do?
BUT THEN…then I saw a co-worker head to the one handicapped stall in the bathroom. At first I though she was crazy because the toilet is clearly another three inches higher off the ground and it’s in it’s own little area. I shortly realized that my co-worker is a GENIUS because no one who works here is handicapped, so no one goes into that stall! I HAVE FOUND A PORCELAIN NARNIA, MY FRIENDS!
Number one has been a dream since then. It is number two that is my downfall. Dropping a bomb from such great heights is not a good option. Do you know why? POTTY WATER SPLASHBACK! I hate this at home, let alone having communal ass water slap me in the butt when I’m pooping. I just want to drop and be done. None of this grand diving involving an intricate splash. I am not trying to execute a perfect ten, let me be clear on that, but when the cold hand of the public bathroom reaches up for a hi-five, I am totally grossed out.
Not only that, but what the hell are people supposed to do when they aren’t feeling so “solid” and they leave behind a little roadmap of their travels down the potty drain? Seriously. I know everyone has had this happen to them. It’s not like you can stick your hand in the toilet and clean house. You have to leave quickly, covertly…lest someone occupy that very same stall immediately after you. You think this as if the person to enter after you will have read that streak like a signature, deciding to send an organization-wide email to everyone in the building, mocking your sad bowels.
Or at least, that’s what I think. Sure, you may say that there are more pressing issues in the world today. Well you know what? I am a whiny, poop-shy bathroom wuss.
I like to keep it real like that.

Potty Mouth

Since I’m getting a pretty enthusiastic response to my TP comments, I’d like to share another little issue I have with the bathroom.

I don’t normally talk in a public bathroom, and I find now that I’ve been working in office settings for a few years that it really freaks me out when you’re talking to someone through a few stalls.

Take this for instance:

I was talking to someone who walked with me to the bathroom—someone I didn’t know, who was asking me about volunteering for the organization I work for. I proceeded to continue to tell her why we don’t have that many volunteers, and she proceeded to go into a stall. She continued talking to me all the way though her potty sesh. Like we’re talking full blown fart situation here.

How can I not laugh at that?!

You’re talking to me about something business-esque related, and you’re proceeding to blow copious amounts of air into a room with a pretty hefty echo!!!

I had to leave the bathroom while she was still in the stall because I knew if I faced her again that I was likely to burst into a fit of laughter.

I also don’t like when I recognize someone’s shoes under the stall when they are having what I like to call a “poonami.” I don’t want to know if my peers are crapping themselves!!!

Does anyone else have any interesting bathroom stories???

TP and You: Getting to the Bottom of Things.

I am a curious person by nature. I need to know things. Something happened yesterday that made me think of a question for you.

So I go into the staff bathroom and head into my usual stall (the one farthest from the door, because the one closest gets a LOT of traffic. Namely poo traffic, and I’m not about that.

Anyhow, as I walk in, I see that this woman who I work with is washing her hands. I know for a fact that she also prefers my secret stall of happiness, but I go into the stall anyway. Sadly, our toilets don’t flush as good as they could (I mean, we’re a nonprofit for Pete’s sake! We don’t have money for new fancy toilets!). This means I am faced with a dilemma. I can either embarrass the woman washing her hands, or I can flush for her, OR I can just potty on over top of the TP left and flush. While deciding, I noticed that she folded her TP in a particular way.
She grabs say 2 feet of TP, and then she folds it over and over—making it look like a little novel! I didn’t know so much skill could go into toilet paper management!
I went home later that day and discussed with Steve.

He had an entirely different method all together! I don’t know how much he wants to share, so I’ll just keep his TP habits out of it until he comments, but I am here to tell you that I don’t do either of the things I saw/heard about.

I am a buncher. I just grab oh…an arms length let’s say, and then I just crumple and get to business. Every bunch only gets one “go” at me, so sometimes I grab a second helping. I always bunch it though, I’m not a folder. To me, folding is too much of a time consuming business considering what I’m going to do to it. I just can’t justify it.

I also prefer that the toilet paper roll have the TP go over the top, not out from the bottom. My sister agrees on this.
My question to you is, have you ever heard of another “technique” in the bathroom? It seems like some people have quite the elaborate process from what I’ve been told. I also know that people are QUITE particular on how the TP should come off the roll. What’s your view?


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