80% Sure it’s a Woman

I can’t figure out if it was the constant waking up last night, or the dogs standing on my hair this morning that gave me this slow burn of a headache. Outrageous! Oh well, I’ve taken two of those fast-acting Tylenol, oh right right, “Rapid Release,” which almost rapidly-released in my mouth because I didn’t swallow them right away. Apparently too much Advil will kill you or something, so now I’m onto Tylenol. Wait, I bet it’s just because I cancelled my chiro this week. The Dr. is somehow killing me using his magical chiro telepathy. What a goon!
Also, I forgot to water the plants at work this week on Monday, so I hauled ass to the bathroom to fill the watering can and when I opened the door I got slapped in the face with a burst of terrible, evil post-poop smell. I hate smelling anyone’s old poop smell, especially when you can tell by the smell that it was a really awful poop. I don’t know how I can tell, I just can. It is my gift. It is my curse. I guess if you’re going to have a terrible poop, it’s going to be first thing, but it seems like every time I go into that bathroom right when I get to work, someone has had an awful poop. I should leave a note explaining,

“To the person having terrible shits in this bathroom in the morning:

Let’s talk about your diet. This isn’t normal.

Regards,

Doozy”

But you know what? I don’t think I want to know who it is. Would it make it better? I am 80% sure it’s a woman, unless some man is just going to the larger ladie’s bathroom to take a dump. Which, I happen to think is 20% likely.

I’ll catch you one day, mystery pooper.

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7 Responses to “80% Sure it’s a Woman”


  1. 1 Eduardo January 14, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    What are you going to say to the mystery pooper, when you catch them? BOL! One day they are going to stroll out just as your walking in & BAM! That smell is going to hit you, & your going to have to grab their shoulder & say, “What the **** do you shove up there?!?!” Yeah, thats whats going to happen… oh & it’s going to be a tranny!(overactive imagination at work)
    Hugs & Snugs
    Eduardo the Snuggle Puggle

  2. 2 Lex January 14, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    Hahaha ew… It very well could be a man.. although it seems women have nasty poop smells. :p
    Too much tylenol can kill you too.. advil thins your blood but you can get addicted to Tylenol.
    That sucks, I have had pill capsuls explode in my throat and that is the worst.. yuck!

  3. 3 Ultra Toast January 14, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    Damn, you talk a lot o’ shit!

    Ho ho.

    I would suggest hidden cameras, and some kind of celebratory confetti surprise when the errant defecator exits.

    I saw something similar done to a fellow leaving a sex shop on a TV prank show here in the UK.

  4. 4 Nevis January 14, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    Wow, that was a very stream-of-consciousness post.

  5. 5 Trudy January 14, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    lmao for the first time today with tears coming out of my eyes!

  6. 6 Goodboy Norman Featherstone January 15, 2009 at 7:16 am

    We had a phantom crapper at my old office. Our restrooms were unisex, so I was always nervous that people thought it was me, being the only woman on that wing. However, it turned out to be a really fat dude. It was just disgusting.

    Have you tried a B-100 supplement for your headaches? I suffered for years with headaches off and on, and last year around March I started getting them every single day, and waking up with them every single day. So I did some research, because prescriptions weren’t helping, and I found that several types of B help with headaches. I have been taking a B-100 (which contains many types of B), and I rarely get headaches now.

  7. 7 doozy January 16, 2009 at 11:30 am

    I will try that! The chiropractor has actually helped my back a lot, but maybe the vitamin B would help, too!


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