Archive for January 12th, 2009

At least 2″ of Crack.

I’ve finally discovered why the right knee on my jeans wears out so fast: the shorter leg! The shorter leg’s knee doesn’t touch the ground as hard as the longer leg, and then BAM, the knee disintegrates on the right side. This happened to my favorite pair of jeans about 2 months ago, which sent me on this long rampage of trying to find that exact pair of jeans again, which didn’t work out. Which is just the way the universe likes to stick it to me. It likes me walking around in bizarre pants.
So after a month of looking I decide, hey, let’s try raw denim, that way, I’ll get a personal fit and the pants will stretch to my exact size.
In theory, this should work, however, I have a tiny waist and apparently quite meaty thighs, thus making it nearly impossible to stretch these damn pants. I bought a small size to make sure that I’d bust them up properly (they are supposed to be uncomfortable when you first get them). So I was walking around with my button fly pushed to the max for a while, and it seems to be settling down now. But really, my pants just want to slide right off my body. Having very womanly thighs leaves me to buy pants that are usually just a tad big on my hips, so then if I buy skinny jeans they pretty much want to slide right off of me.
This is why I miss my poor Levi’s. Shit those were good. Well, I mean I didn’t get rid of them, because frankly the hobo look is coming back into style, so ripped jeans are apparently going to be all the rage again in spring/summer 09. I might as well take sandpaper to the remaining leg of those jeans and really be looking sweet.
But then again, you know what else is apparently coming back into style? Showing your midriff. Great. Now that skinny pants are here for a while, let’s just show everyone our muffin tops, too. Why not go for the deuce, right? You know what? I hate midriffs. I don’t want to prance around downtown Vancouver showing my midriff in a cutoff top.
What happened to high-waisted jeans?! I thought those were in?! How are they out already??? You know why I don’t like midriffs? Because I have a VERY long torso, thus, any midriff-showing top will make me look like I am a mile long in the body, which makes me feel like a circus act. Why can’t we just all fucking stay covered? Why isn’t that in style? Wait, because that doesn’t make anyone feel self-conscious, and isn’t that what it’s all about?
Anyway, suffice it to say that underneath my strategically long shirt, I’ve got at least 2 inches of ass crack showing. And I don’t like the winter breeze gently caressing my ass, nor do I want the gentle summer breeze or anything for that matter, gently caressing my ass crack.
I hereby veto the midriff trend for 09! I guess I’ll be wearing a lot of dresses for the next year. Or overalls…

January 2009
25262728293031 collective fashion consciousness.