Tissue and Leaves

I feel like one big, giant germ.  It’s like I am emitting some sort of disgusting pheromone that keeps people away.  No one wants to come near you when you’re sick!  And I’m even on the mend!  I think everyone at work things I am on the verge of dying or something, so they really don’t come over to my side of the room.  Pfft, their loss, I am over here chillin’ with a mountain of tissues and an empty cup from Starbucks, yo!  Party over here!  I’m also coughing all over everything on my desk, and I know how much people love being a part of that.
I sort of feel like I am leaving a film all over everything I touch.  Like one of the Slerm slugs.  If you want to know where I’ve been all day, follow the trail of boogers!
Anyway, onto things other than germs.  I feel like I could tell you guys a poop story every day of the year.  I don’t know what it is with bathrooms and me.  It’s like we have this never-ending relationship where the bathroom won’t stop calling me and I’m all like, “bathroom, we went on one date, stop buying me stuff and showing up at my house uninvited.”  Or maybe that was someone I dated.  They both fit.  Anyway, I show up for my morning potty break and the ladies potty is locked, so whatever, I unlock the mens (there’s only one toilet in each room), but as I unlock the mens, I smell a grotesque smell coming from one of the bathrooms.  I step back and wonder if some lady is pooping out a pumpkin from a few days ago, but no, as I get the men’s door unlocked I am slapped with what can only be described as acid bathed anus.  And my nose is partially plugged!  Can you imagine what would have become of me had I been smellin’ free and easy?!  I don’t wan to think about it.  Anyway, I step in, almost challenging the smell to a duel, and I shut the door.  And then I gag!  I gagged at a poop smell!  I hear the ladies door unlock and the woman leaves, so I high tail it the hell out of the men’s bathroom and into the ladies and lock myself in.  And I gag again from the memory!  Lord help that poor man’s anus, wherever it is.
Oh yes, and to answer the questions in the last post, indeed that leaf was real!  Yes, we have normal every day leaves out here, but we also seem to have these mutant freak leaves that are as big as a dinner plate, so imagine a gust of Autumn air blowing past and releasing an army of 100 sheets of plate-sized leaves!  Terrible!  Zelda almost got swept away by one on the weekend at the dog park!  Just to show you another angle of these monsters, here’s Steve with one of the leaves:

I ought to wax paper a bunch of these and make myself a stylish outfit.  That or some kind of freaky mask.

6 Responses to “Tissue and Leaves”


  1. 1 Christine, Giggs & Mea November 3, 2008 at 9:16 pm

    Speaking of poop, if I was in the woods and had no TP, I’d definitely be looking for these leaves!

  2. 2 dryhumourwetcoast November 3, 2008 at 11:03 pm

    I hear the pope shits in the woods, so I’d use his hat.

  3. 3 Gem November 4, 2008 at 2:05 am

    acid bathed anus… now that’s not a great mental image…

  4. 4 Goodboy Norman Featherstone November 4, 2008 at 7:17 am

    I have had similar bathroom experiences. My office used to have unisex bathrooms. Bad idea. It was so horrible. Men just make awful smells. That’s all there is to it. Those leaves would be great for decorating. You could use them on the table under your place settings as chargers, or make a table runner out of them. I’m pretty jealous of those righteous leaves. I wanna see some creativity. Get to it.

  5. 5 Nevis November 4, 2008 at 10:03 am

    Your husband really does look like Robert Downy Jr.’s brother. And I’m vaugely dissapointed he didn’t pose with the leaf like it was a fig leaf, if you get my drift. Yes, I’m suggesting you pimp out your husband. Hey- this would probally increase your blogs hit count!🙂

  6. 6 Eduardo November 4, 2008 at 11:22 am

    Waaaahaaaahaaaa you have the most funny stories ever! I live to hear your poop stories & could only dream up one half as good! Why what a lovely leaf! My Mommy says you should make a dress out of them!
    Hugs & Snugs
    Eduardo the Snuggle Puggle


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