This one’s for the ladies

My uterus is flaring it’s demon horns and is cramping with a vengeance today.  I am in some serious pain, which is pretty sucktastic because I rarely have cramps at all.  I’ve had to get up and go to the bathroom just to sit with my head between my legs about 4 times now, and things don’t seem to be getting better!

What a lame and hidden ailment.  If you tell someone you have cramps, usually you don’t look sick, but your uterus is all like, “GRRRR, I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU PAAaaAAAAY!”  And it does!  Clearly this is a call to go to the drugstore and get a heating pad, then go home and proceed to lay down and watch countless hours of tv.

And I bet one of the dogs will step on my abdomen, too.  Damnit!

Anyuterus, I spent an hour and a half at a FedEx today trying to ship 4 packages, two of which were wrapped in $40 of bubble wrap and kraft paper.  So I’m down at the ‘ol FedEx filling out US customs forms for an hour, and then making sure each and every detail is absolutely perfect so that this shit will get over the border for tomorrow, and then some FedEx asshat walks up to one of my kraft paper-wrapped items and looks at the guy helping me and is like, “Pfft!” and proceeds to smash his pen through the kraft paper and rip it to shit.  Then he’s like, “This won’t hold up.” and I’m just standing there looking at him in shock as I just spent an hour prior to this WRAPPING THAT ITEM.  Then he’s like, “wrap it in FedEx paper envelopes” because apparently they are made out of tough sumo wrestler skin and won’t ever rip, EVER.

Fine if the paper won’t hold up, can you maybe EXPLAIN IT LIKE A HUMAN, maybe instead of just fucking up my shit?!  I wasn’t aware that the FedEx delivery people like to play baseball and Whack-A-Mole with packages, maybe I should have checked the FAQs section of the website. Seriously, I could be writing so many more expletives right now, but you’re probably reading this at work, so I will keep the swears to a minimum.

“Yes, thank you for shoving a pen into my $900 banner.  Would you mind shoving that pen through the rest of my $2,000 worth of items and then shove that whole thing INTO YOUR ASS?”  That would probably cost extra, but at this point, money is not an object.


4 Responses to “This one’s for the ladies”


  1. 1 Gem October 10, 2008 at 1:44 am

    ah, what a prick… some people are just unnecessarily assholic. wow unnecessarily is kind of a hard word to spell, i never noticed that before.

    and i feel your pain on the devil uterus thing. seriously. i feel it. right now. goddamn girly bits.

  2. 2 Goodboy Norman Featherstone October 10, 2008 at 6:43 am

    I used to get ungodly cramps before I went on the pill. It was so bad I couldn’t go to work or school. SO BAD. The pill controls all that now. Awe, the pill. What an ahole at the FedEx. I can’t believe you didn’t go all menstrual on him and start kicking. I know I would have, actually, regardless of whether I was on my period.

  3. 3 lex October 10, 2008 at 8:59 am

    Oh wow that sucks! Stupid Fed-ex!!
    Its like going to pick a package up from DHL and they can’t find it and then when they do, they throw it around cause it says fragile. There are many forms of stupid out there. Many. And did you leave him breathing?

    That sucks about the uterus from hell… I can’t really commiserate there cause I have the period from hell that doesn’t like to show up half the time and then I freak out cause why is this happening? Or else it will come twice in one month cause it missed last month.
    And I am on the pill.. omg… :p

  4. 4 eduardo October 10, 2008 at 9:29 am

    Whoa, I’m so glad I’m a dog & don’t have to deal with that nonsense! Mommy says she sorry life is being a jerk to you right now & we hope it gets better!
    Hugs & Snugs
    Eduardo the Snuggle Puggle


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