I am going to smash that ice cream treat right in your face.

I like to sit on one of my legs most of the time at my desk.  An old boss kept saying, “don’t do that, it’s not good for you!” to which I said, “you shut your dirty mouth!”  No, I didn’t say that.  I moved off my leg.  But damnit, I can only sit in that perfect at-your-desk position for so long!  

I happen to be wearing green patent flats today, which is important to note for the purposes of both fashion AND what I’m about to explain.

Really, there’s only so long I can sit at my desk and not move, so even if I sit on my leg, I need to eventually go back to the standard way of sitting.  So I usually am able to just slide my foot out from under my other leg and put it on the ground.  Except that today, because my shoes are made from patent, and because I sit in an imitation leather chair, and because I am in the office with only one other dude, my shoe happens to make a sound exactly like a grotesque fart.


So basically that happened like 2 minutes ago, and I was so shocked by the sound, that I just dragged my shoe across the chair in hopes that it would just make more squeaks so that I didn’t sound like I was going to have a burst of explosive diarrhea! 

Aaaand I didn’t want to directly address the awful noise I made, because my co-worker isn’t terribly talkative….

So that’s my afternoon, in a nutshell!

On another front, I was walking Zelda last night and everything was fine until she saw some Lassie sort of dog and started to make little “I am going to go apeshit in 10 seconds” noises as we passed the dog, and so I just kept on walking briskly, and then the woman walking the dog was like, “Aww, what’s wrong with your dog?”

“She got attacked by a lab at a dog park, so I am doing rehabilitation work.”

And as I am trying to walk away, she edges her hand towards Zelda, expecting me to walk over to her and let her pet Zelda and “make it all better.”

“Sorry, I’m doing rehabilitation work, I’ve got to be moving on.”

and I speed walk away.  But seriously, I can sort of see why someone would want to pet Zelda as she’s making those noises, but when I TELL YOU that I am doing rehabilitation work, why would you think I’d walk right up to you, and the dog that my dog is starting to freak out at?  Do you think my dog will just “calm down?” if she gets to smell your dog?  Um, and did I mention that this woman’s dog BARKED at Zelda, thus beginning a louder squealing process?

“Oh yeah, I can see that your dog clearly doesn’t want my dog near it, so sure I’ll just come right over and talk to you about what a poor dog my dog must be, and that because she’s making all this noise I am a terrible dog person.  In fact, why don’t I just bark in YOUR face and see how you react?  Or maybe I’ll just scream in your face in short bursts so you can see what it’s like for my dog to see other dogs.

Fuuuuuuuck.  It’s like sometimes you don’t even bother because some people can be pretty stupid, but then other times I kind of go, “Seriously?!  Is this how people think?!  I am going to slap every stranger I see.”

Or maybe I should just slap other stupid dog owners?  Like every time someone wants to pet Zelda when she is barking I will just smack them across their face.  Or maybe just like put my palm against their nose and puuuuuuush them away.


I ought to take up walking the pugs at like midnight so I don’t have to deal with other dogs.  Damnit!

5 Responses to “I am going to smash that ice cream treat right in your face.”

  1. 1 Lex August 23, 2008 at 7:44 pm

    I know what you mean. Gus can be very aggressive on the leash and I am trying to get him to keep walking cause I don’t want him to attack someone’s dog. But jeez some people… I ended up screaming at some girl one time to get her dog (he was off leash and absolutely HUGE) and get it way from us as Gus was going apeshit.

    Oh no! Did your coworker give a funny look?

  2. 2 ultratoast August 23, 2008 at 10:25 pm

    I will bear this in mind when I meet your dogs. I saw a lady on Granville Street today with two pugs. They might as well have been Tango & Cash for all the attention they were getting. It was crazy. There was practically a mob

  3. 3 Ike August 25, 2008 at 9:57 am

    Ike hates other dogs too and people always think he will like their dog. They’re total morons.
    About the leg sitting thing – I’m jealous you are thin enough to comfortably sit on a leg for long periods of time. I’m pretty sure mine would go necrotic and get gangrene.

  4. 4 Nevis August 25, 2008 at 12:03 pm

    People can be very…selfish. They’re only thinking of their own desires. The woman wanted to pet Zelda and it didn’t matter what you said. Most humanity makes me cringe.

  5. 5 Goodboy Norman Featherstone August 26, 2008 at 6:13 am

    Zelda is so adorable. How could anyone resist petting her? I know it goes against all reason to pet her, but really. That face. That glossy coat. I might punch someone to get to pet her 😉 Stop farting in the office. LOL!

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August 2008
LOOKBOOK.nu: collective fashion consciousness.


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