Dresses: helping me flash my junk at people since last summer.

Life sometimes hands you little surprises.  Like right now I am drinking hot chocolate that I made at the office (Cadbury, OMG), and it’s been sitting for a little while, but I take a sip anyway.  Then I get a nice mouthfull of the skin that has settled on the top of the drink.  It’s slimy, and it’s sort of rubbery, and it tastes like a gelatenous little layer of not-quite pudding in my mouth.  Nature, why do you make disgusting skins on soups and beverages?!  Soup skin I don’t find to be too bad, but drink skin is sick.  It has the makeup that’s too close to REAL skin.  What the hell do you DO with the skin, too?  Do I skim it off and throw it out?  It’s all sloppy and wet, and the damn skin usually breaks apart before I can get all of it off.  Do I just try and stir it back into the drink?  No.  The skin doesn’t melt back into the drink, it just chunks up my drink.  If I wanted chunky chunks I’d eat a cookie, or maybe some chunky peanut butter.  You know what, I wouldn’t eat chunky peanut butter because I hate chunky peanut butter!  I hate chunks where I feel there should be none!  Boo to chunks!
Also, I’m wearing more skirts at work and i’ve come to discover that when you walk 20 min to get to work, sometimes when you take your jacket off your whole VAG is just like “out there” because your skirt has risen up.  Ladies, check your junk in the elevator!  Pull those skirts down.  I was THISCLOSE to flashing some underpants this morning, but thank the sweet Gods that I remembered, “hey, this dress is a little tight on the hips, maybe I ought to just take a look at my “situation” and BAM, my skirt is maybe a good 2″ higher than anyone would deem “work appropriate” because at this point I can feel that my ass is pretty much half showing, but thank the GODS again I still have my jacket MOSTLY on.
Being a chick is hard!  You’re always checking to make sure your vag and boobs aren’t showing.  I guess if I’d just stick to pants I really wouldn’t have this problem, but as I’ve come to realize over the past year, a dress is pretty much a whole outfit done for you.  There’s no messing with what pants match what top, it’s just like SHAZAM you are dressed just by lifting the garment over your head.  You really can’t beat that.  It’s almost like a moo moo, but you won’t end up on Springer finding out that your husband is actually a bisexual female that likes horses a little too much.  Man, I could write slogans for clothing.  Pshhhhhht.

14 Responses to “Dresses: helping me flash my junk at people since last summer.”

  1. 1 Kara April 10, 2008 at 11:08 pm

    I found you!
    I e-mailed for your new blog address, but I never heard back, so either you didn’t get it or you hate me because I never sent you that something homemade that I promised. I was all geared up to crochet you something and then found out that the Woman sent you a crochet scarf, and that was my only idea. Then we had all the baby drama and everything. But now I’m up at random hours of the night feeding the baby, so I fired up google and found your new blog. I missed seeing Winston and Zelda do their thing. And I’m so jealous you got to meet Christine and Giggs! Love them!
    Congrats on the new job!

  2. 2 Blondie April 11, 2008 at 6:40 am

    Y’now, sometimes when I come to this blog… I’m just not ready

  3. 3 Blondie April 11, 2008 at 6:41 am

    and let me know if you ever do accidentally flash your Britney to anyone. Good times.

  4. 4 doozy April 11, 2008 at 9:33 am

    Luckily, this hasn’t happened, nor do I want it to! Blech!

  5. 5 Nevis April 11, 2008 at 9:59 am

    I do know what you mean. I have an alarming tendency to open my legs when I’m sitting. Even if I’m wearing a skirt. Then if I have to sit somewhere (i.e. not at my desk) I’m constantly paranoid that I have to keep my legs together and worried I’ll accidently flash my panties. I do not go commando, so flashing my VAG isn’t really a possibility. But still. Who wants to flash one’s panties indescriminately? Unless, of course I’m trying to get my man’s attention.

  6. 6 doozy April 11, 2008 at 10:34 am

    Okay, I guess I should clarify that I was also wearing panties, and I always do, but it would still be completely embarrassing to flash my co-workers my underpants. Especially if its one of those “laundry days” underpants days. You ladies know what I’m talking about.

  7. 7 Lorkeet April 12, 2008 at 12:11 pm

    How short are your frickin’ skirts??? Shirley? Is that you?

  8. 8 doozy April 12, 2008 at 1:53 pm

    Hahahha, no, it’s not Shirley, but shit, I wear skirts that are just above the knee and by the time I’ve walked 20 min to work it’s ridden up! Boo to that!

  9. 9 Tjam April 13, 2008 at 6:13 am

    LOL! I so enjoy you.

  10. 10 ultratoastmoshagod April 14, 2008 at 7:45 am

    If it’s any consolation, there are gallant fellows like me keeping a close watch on vag and boobs everywhere to notify you if unnecessary exposure occurs. It’s hard being a guy.

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