So I guess my biggest 2008 resolution was to take better care of my mental health. Over the past two years I’ve been taking effexor for anxiety and depression, but in the last year I’ve been having some adverse side-effects. For instance, I have really bad nightmares…horrible dreams that make me wonder what’s going on in this head of mine because they are things I would never even THINK my subconscious could come up with, but there you go. I also have a fairly troublesome headache at least once a day. I’ve been keeping track of them over the past few months, and yes, at least once a day is no lie. Light, sound, smells…they’re all out there to melt my brain apparently, because for some reason my senses are in serious overdrive as if I have only been able to sit around as a vegetable for the past 24 years of my life.
Seeing as how it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to find a doctor in Vancouver, I kept putting off a trip to the doc because well, it’s hard to talk about medication and your mental history with a complete stranger! I made myself go to the doctor though, and they’re going to change my medication, which is a big sigh of relief.
That means though, that I have to ween myself off Effexor for ten days before I can start something else. THAT MEANS a whole lot of withdrawl symptoms. I think I am on day three and I can already feel the medication melting away.
I remember feeling this way three years ago. Just and overall sense of sad. Like I ache longingly for something that isn’t there, something that doesn’t exist. I can cry at any moment and my thoughts start moving so fast I can’t seem to catch up with any of them. It feels like I am really alone in a crows of people.
I also feel relief. I feel relief that I don’t have a throbbing headache every time I get out of bed. Or move. Or eat. Or read. Or knit. Or do ANYTHING. I feel more like a tiny version of myself living in my own head, looking out windows that are my eyes, and I am operating this giant robot version of myself, while I am quietly tucked away in my mind.