January 1. Time to start fresh, start new, start another year. I guess I’ve been thinking a lot about the upcoming year, but I’ve been keeping it to myself. I’ve also just been thinking a lot. Reflecting. Looking for little moments or signs that I’ve made the right choices over the past year, and predicting what the big moments will be for 2008.
I can say that my biggest risk and payoff was the move. Yes, you’ve heard of my love of this city for a long time now, but I can’t express it enough. Moving was the best decision I’ve ever made, and I would never go back to Calgary—plain and simple. Going back to Calgary was like being thrown back into a bad dream, or maybe waking up from the dream of Vancouver. As if it never happened. As if all of the good things in my life had gone away.
Calgary is grey, it is dirty, it feels sad even when it’s sunny.
Vancouver is STILL green, still full of life, and even though there are a lot of dirty alleys, it still feels cleaner and more full of life than I realized.
Christmas this year was the most stressful time I have had in a long while. I am thankful that it will be another 360-odd days until I have to even deal with all of that drama again. Too many mixed up priorities, too much phoniness.
I guess the past few weeks made me really think about how I have changed inside since moving. I feel free to learn about who I am, what I like, what I dislike, because there is absolutely no one telling me otherwise. I feel at ease with the ebb and flow of things, and am pretty comfortable in my own skin.
I’ve also realized that the medication I am on is not right for me anymore. I am tired almost all of the time, I still find myself listless at various points in the day, and I am not satisfied with how “happy” I feel from this medicine. It’s not quite right, and I feel a lot sicker on this mediation than I did before. I need to take better care of myself emotionally. I don’t do that anymore. I am no longer the caretaker of my mental health, and it’s weird how that part of me has just faded away. I guess I thought I was okay, but I am not. I still have sad days. I have made myself sick almost every day for months now from my thoughts moving faster than I can concentrate on them. That is the worst of my problems with this. I can’t even think straight or concentrate for long periods of time because my head is so overstuffed with worries about a hundred OTHER things in my life.
I never realized how hard I was on myself until recently. I read a book on how positive thinking influences our lives, and I took a good look at how I talk to myself. I am downright AWFUL to myself! I think my mother has moved into my head and has taken up residence in my mind! I need to be kind, be forgiving, and become the person I want to be.
On a more humorous note, I was thinking the other day about how I am not the size 2 I was when I was younger, and I got all huffy. Then I realized that I am 24, and I am not 19 anymore, and nineteen seems SO far away now. No wonder I can’t fit into those pants anymore, Jesus, I am five years OLDER, and frankly, I doubt anyone stays the same size over the course of five years. I don’t want to fit into those pants or jeans, or whatever, because that will make me feel like I AM 19 again, and frankly, I would rather sit in a lit fireplace than re-live being 19 again.