Emissions Admission

A discussion I had with Steve and a friend this week has really got me to thinking. Thinking about farts.
What exactly is it that makes girls absolutely lose it with laughter when one of our kind farts? Aren’t we all doing it?
My friend said that he thinks that thirteen year old girls are the worst thing ever to happen to humanity, and he’s a pretty honest dude, so to hate a gender at this particular age is quite the statement for him.
Then Steve and he agreed that it’s ridiculous when girls fart and giggle about it, because when dudes do it, they just kind of accept it as a part of life, just like eating a sandwich.
I think maybe this is the case because girls are raised to be frighteningly embarrassed when they pas gas, whereas men are praised and generally encouraged to “break the seal.”
I can think of a number of times when a friend finally broke that sacred seal, and it was just about the funniest thing I’d ever experienced. Of course, little girls tend to have a lot of friends, so there was a lot of laughing. In fact, I don’t even think it’s laughing WITH the person so much as LAUGHING at them for not being able to control their sphincter.
To top it off, God forbid you ever fart in front of your partner. Thankfully my household is home to a man and two animals that are known to fart in copious amounts, so I can fart as much as I like. It’s like it’s almost in fashion to fart at my house.
“Who are you and why haven’t you farted in my apartment yet?”
I mean, I’m not encouraging that women run out of their offices and fart up a storm. We all have gas though. I challenge you to find me someone who hasn’t farted in front of someone else by accident.
What is it with those farts anyway? No matter how hard you are clenching, they are waiting to literally LEAP OUT from between your cheeks and embarrass you. Maybe you’re out shopping, maybe you’re on a date, maybe you’re even in class.
There is always the problem when you first date someone as well, because it then becomes a challenge of who will fart noticeably in front of the other first. I think you need to fart in front of a loved one. Maybe you even need to fart ON your loved ones. I think that once couples break that moment, there is a new intimacy about the relationship. It’s like you become a more realistic person. I know you do it, and I do it too, so let’s just have a grand old fart together, shall we?
What I DO know, is that no matter how old I grow, no matter how crazy I may be as an old lady, farts will always be funny.
Tonight, go home tonight and fart on someone you love.


9 Responses to “Emissions Admission”

  1. 1 Steve V May 10, 2007 at 9:44 pm

    3 animals?

  2. 2 Bentley & Niko May 11, 2007 at 4:35 am

    my boyfriend’s name is steve also. and we fart loud and proud in front of each other. my dad has always been funny about farting, called it “barking spiders” or “elephants running under chairs” even used to wonder aloud how something that aweful could come out of people so beautiful. Heh. Oh, and Niko weighs in at hefty 16lbs, but she’s ALL muscle.

  3. 3 John May 11, 2007 at 8:30 am

    I try and get the “farting” and “burping” issues out of the way as soon as possible. I’m a guy, it’s going to happen. And it hurts to hide it. And you’re SO very right…it is incredibly funny. Especially the ones that are really high pitched and go “weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”.

    Barking Spiders? Feck, that’s funny!

  4. 4 Ultra Toast Mosha God May 11, 2007 at 9:08 am

    My farts stink.

    Once, I farted in an aisle at Asda (wall-mart owned supermarket) and I knew it was going to reek, because I could feel the evacuation start just below my solar plexus.

    Old Gas. Nasty. And it took a good three seconds.

    Three ladies rounded the corner and walked into the danger zone just before Monkey and I made it to the end of the aisle.

    The look of horror on their faces as they sucked up my Bum Trump will never leave me.

  5. 5 Goodboy Norman Featherstone May 11, 2007 at 1:18 pm

    The People have this really prissy friend who had recently got married. Her husband was from an all boy family, and in their family, they found it funny to hold each other down and fart on them. One day, the husband thought it would be funny to do this to his new wife. As he was struggling to hold her down on the bed to fart on her, he accidentally pooped on her. Yes, I said poop. She totally freaked out and locked herself in the bathroom trying to get the poop off herself. She was quite pissed as you can imagine. While she was in the bathroom, her husband realized to his horror that he needed to finish the poop he had started, and it was in fact, turning into a bad case of diarrhea very quickly. He announced to the wife that he needed in the bathroom and NOW. She tried to unlock the door, but the knob broke off in her hand! She was stuck in the bathroom while her husband was SOL, so to say. Not able to wait any longer, he finished his deed in the garbage can! Pretty gross story, eh? The point is this – NEVER fart on your loved ones 😛 Unless you’re a Pug, and then everyone is free game for the farting.

  6. 6 LMizzle May 11, 2007 at 2:55 pm

    Bentley and Nico: Hurrah for Steves!

    John: It’s good to get those moments out of the way. Steve and I farted within about 4 hours of each other for the first time, and it was glorious.

    Ultra: I tend to end up farting silently right before someone in a store will ask if I need help, and I always wonder if they can smell it…
    I love that it was old ladies who walked into the “heat”

    Goodboy: That is the best damn farting story I have EVER heard!!!! HAHAHAHA! Were they naked or something?? Oh man. :0)

  7. 7 Steve V May 11, 2007 at 3:59 pm

    It was a poo-nami!

  8. 8 Deidre May 11, 2007 at 9:10 pm

    Well, I’ve farted on Ray’s leg once. But I don’t think that counts since I was alseep. Wait, I did fart on this hand. Ha ha ha! It was way funny and I couldn’t control my laughter. Ray, unfortunately is not acceptable to farts at all. In fact, he’s incredibly embarassed to fart or use the restroom while I am close by. I have to go into the front room. Nice.
    I wonder if I just start to fart more often, he’d get use to it and not be so embarassed. What do you think?

  9. 9 Ultra Toast Mosha God May 14, 2007 at 8:23 am

    Poo-nami. Heh!

    Goodboy’s fart story was indeed brilliant.

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