Worst School Assemblies

Oh man, Steve was reading me posts from a forum he belongs to about stupidest assemblies that they’ve been to and I think I just lost 5 pounds from laughing so hard. Here are some of the gems:

*when i was 12 we had like an ex-con come into the cafeteria and lecture us about how if we weren’t good, we’d get locked up and have our salads “tossed.” it took me awhile to figure out what that meant :/

*10th grade (1995-1996) – baltimore – assembly at school with this up and coming band called THE BACKSTREET BOYS. they sing acapella and at the end some dude threw a golf ball at the stage.

*A friend of mine got busted for pot possession on school property (weird though, crazy story on that but not for this thread). Anyway for some reason they got this guy: http://www.youthpastor.com/resource/index.cfm/Bob_Holmes_One_Man_Volleyball_Team_2747.htm, a one man volleyball team (how lame is that) to come and talk about God and staying in school and staying away from drugs in front of our entire high school. It turns out he can hit multiple times in his retarded form of the game, and he played our volleyball teams. He had some ridiculous 1000 win 5 loss streak. First he played the girls and barely won. Near the end they started catching up, getting point after point, and you could see his face start to well up with anger. He’d curse under his breath very obviously. Anyways he ended up winning against the girls, talking a little bit more about gay shit, and then he started to play our boys volleyball team. Little did he know that our team pretty much kicked ass (I didn’t care really, but yeah they were good) and they ended up murdering him and near the end of the game they just started showing off (doing “wave spikes” where they’d all jump up to spike the ball in a wave but only the last person would hit it and this is gay but it really tricked him) and basically the guy lost by a long shot.

*In High School we had an assembly called “Shattered Dreams” where they staged this elaborate car wreck scene with an old wrecked car, fake blood, emergency personnel, the whole nine. The whole thing was really secretive and the students they chose to participate spent like months preparing. In like second period the Principle came on the P.A. and was like “Someone wrecked they’re car in the school parking lot, everyone go outside and look at it.” The story was that some kid was driving drunk, wrecked his car, and killed two of his friends. The most ridiculous part was when they had some dude dressed up as the grim reaper walk around the school and if he touched a kid they were “dead”, and had to get white makeup put on and couldn’t talk to anyone in school all day. At the end of the day there was an assembly where all they kids that participated in it cried to the rest of the school about how much it changed they’re lives.

*For one assembly in junior high, my school brought in a bull. Not just any bull mind you, but the bull who was the nemesis of the cowboy Luke Perry portrayed in the movie 8 seconds. It was actually even lamer than it sounds, on account that like 3/4 of the kids came from ranch families that had cattle anyway.

Anyway, they went on and on about how mean this bull was for like 30 minutes and I guess none of its handlers noticed that the thing was in distress. Right when they were about to wrap up their presentation, the bull projectile diarrheaed all over the gym/cafeteria wall.

I guess whatever cleaner the janitors had on hand wasn’t very effective against liquid bullshit, because 30 minutes later it was time for lunch in that same gym/cafeteria, and there was a definite stain on the wall.

They later repainted the gym during break.

This kept me up laughing. I don’t remember anything THIS crazy happening in school. I do remember in high school they told us there was going to be an awesome concert by a boy band at lunch, so we thought it was maybe the Backstreet Boys or something. When we got there, we had to stay in the gym and there were lazers and smoke machines going and these five random dudes come hopping out all excited saying, “Yo yo yo wassup party people!?!?” and everyone just started laughing hysterically. They looked pretty embarrassed, but continued on with an entirely acapella concert, including such hits as, “In the Jngle.” Awww yeah.

Anyone attend any memorable school assemblies???


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9 Responses to “Worst School Assemblies”


  1. 1 Katy May 2, 2007 at 12:35 pm

    Holy crap! The car-wreck one and the bull one are freakin’ hilarious!

    We never had any cool assemblies like that. At least, not that I can remember. But I don’t really remember a lot about school. How is that possible? I only graduated 8 years ago? My memory sucks.

  2. 2 lepug May 2, 2007 at 3:27 pm

    This is hilarious! I don’t remember anything that crazy either. We had a celebrty basketball game and I was taking pictures for the school yearbook…that guy who played Zack on “Save by the Bell” had lots of pimples back then.

  3. 3 Steve V May 2, 2007 at 4:50 pm

    this is also from the board

    “In high school, some kid was going around taking a shit in classrooms. He became known as The Mad Shitter, and everybody knew it was happening. Noone was sure who it was, but we all suspected this one kid with long blonde hair for some reason. I don’t remember why. Anyway, the school had to have an assembly where they tried to get the kid to come forward or get somebody to turn him in, only they apparently didn’t want to say exactly what he was doing, so it was all like “Somebody is… doing… something…. and if they turn themselves in the won’t get in trouble. This… thing… is terrible, and it should stop” but we all knew what it was already so we were just laughing.”

  4. 4 LMizzle May 2, 2007 at 5:03 pm

    Hahah, I love it. There was a kid like that in my junior high, except he’d smear his own poop all over the stairwell. I don’t know why you’d want to touch your own crap, but there you go!

  5. 5 Okami May 2, 2007 at 5:11 pm

    We had a Remembrance Day assembly in high school with current cadets, military personnel and veteran soldiers in attendance. Two of the cadets went to our school and were bragging about how they got to be a part of this for about two weeks leading up to it. The day of the assembly, we all gather in the gym, cram ourselves onto the bleachers and wait in silence for the ceremony to begin. Now this is a time to reflect on what people have done and the lives they gave for our freedom and future. Very solemn and sombre moment. The lone bagpipe starts up – instantly making us all go deaf as for some reason he was told to stand in front of a live microphone. The veterans are already seated, and the procession of flag holding cadets followed by current personnel is supposed to start. As they come in, the two students are in the lead – flags held high and side by side. They turn in the middle of the gym and head towards the bagpiper (who has stopped playing) and the microphone. As they cross in front of him one of them rips the loudest ass gas you have ever heard and the microphone catches it. The entire school has heard this! We all erupt into giggles and the two students get so flustered that they forget the routine completely and actually crash into one another – almost hitting the bagpiper. The poor man actually ducked to avoid getting hit with a flag! We are all falling over laughing by this point – even the veterans were laughing.

    Everyone finally gets seated, the principal tries to get us back under control, but we can’t stop laughing! The two students have to stand for the entire ceremony both red faced and no one knows which of the two actually did it.

    We had to have 4 tries to get through a full moment of silence, but couldn’t help noticing that the veterans were smiling the entire time.

  6. 6 LMizzle May 2, 2007 at 5:13 pm

    HAHAHAH!!!! AMAZING!!!!

  7. 7 Princess Pointful May 2, 2007 at 8:12 pm

    Nothing near that epic!
    We did have Rick Hansen talk once, which was dope!
    In my grade 12 journalism class, we used to do live Radio shows every lunch hour, and once we got to host a school assembly. My two co-hosts came out dressed like Gladiators to the soundtrack from Ben-Hur, and I was carried out on a big plank in an evening dress. Pretty much the highlight of my life.

  8. 8 LMizzle May 2, 2007 at 9:52 pm

    Hahaha, nice! I was in the line dancing club in elementary school, because that’s just the kind of fucking amazing kid I was. I was also the MC for our concerts.

  9. 9 Christine May 3, 2007 at 2:43 pm

    OMG! These are hilarious!

    Line dancing! Wow! They made us do that in PE but we liked it better than the square dancing. At least you didn’t have to touch anyone.


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