The Porcelain Dance of my Destiny.

I’m on a bathroom tirade again. I’d like to talk to you today about something I care passionately about—namely…pooping.
You see, I don’t enjoy pooping in public restrooms, but hey, when you work 8 hours in an office, it’s bound to happen. Every other day or so I am forced to drop the kids off at the pool at work, and it is rarely a time to rejoice.
First of all, I am forced with the dilemma of which toilet to use in the restroom. I once read in a magazine that most people are likely to walk down to the last stall in the bathroom, so it’s best to head straight for the stall closest to the door, because that one will have less fecal matter, blah blah on it. I’ve been a subscriber to this for years, and for the most part it’s true. The first stall in a bathroom is often the cleanest.
I think pretty much every woman who works here has somehow read the same article, because the first stall is clearly where most of these ladies are going to assplode.
I began to change my routine, thinking that the last stall would be my stall of choice (for the record, I hate going in the middle stalls. Too much action on either side of me.).
BAD CALL.
Apparently everyone ELSE uses that one.
What is a girl to do?
BUT THEN…then I saw a co-worker head to the one handicapped stall in the bathroom. At first I though she was crazy because the toilet is clearly another three inches higher off the ground and it’s in it’s own little area. I shortly realized that my co-worker is a GENIUS because no one who works here is handicapped, so no one goes into that stall! I HAVE FOUND A PORCELAIN NARNIA, MY FRIENDS!
Number one has been a dream since then. It is number two that is my downfall. Dropping a bomb from such great heights is not a good option. Do you know why? POTTY WATER SPLASHBACK! I hate this at home, let alone having communal ass water slap me in the butt when I’m pooping. I just want to drop and be done. None of this grand diving involving an intricate splash. I am not trying to execute a perfect ten, let me be clear on that, but when the cold hand of the public bathroom reaches up for a hi-five, I am totally grossed out.
Not only that, but what the hell are people supposed to do when they aren’t feeling so “solid” and they leave behind a little roadmap of their travels down the potty drain? Seriously. I know everyone has had this happen to them. It’s not like you can stick your hand in the toilet and clean house. You have to leave quickly, covertly…lest someone occupy that very same stall immediately after you. You think this as if the person to enter after you will have read that streak like a signature, deciding to send an organization-wide email to everyone in the building, mocking your sad bowels.
Or at least, that’s what I think. Sure, you may say that there are more pressing issues in the world today. Well you know what? I am a whiny, poop-shy bathroom wuss.
I like to keep it real like that.

9 Responses to “The Porcelain Dance of my Destiny.”


  1. 1 Ultra Toast Mosha God April 24, 2007 at 6:30 pm

    Nice moves on locating the Private Ass Bay.

    We have a seperate changing room with a toilet that i’ve started using.

    Now, while I’m negociating the release of the chocolate hostages, I can look at a vending machine that sells headache tablets, sanitary towels, condoms and pairs of tights: complete coverage for a drunken night out.

    My employers aren’t all bad.

  2. 2 Anonymous April 24, 2007 at 7:34 pm

    Lol, I swear the gods just must watch our human pooping festivals and laugh.

    Porcelain = entertainment of the gods.

    AJ

  3. 3 Katy April 24, 2007 at 8:03 pm

    That was really poetic. I like the part about the high-five! LOL!

    You want to know what’s worse than having to worry about yourself in the bathroom? Having to worry about yourself and two little kids! I’m always like “don’t touch anything! don’t let your pants hit the floor! don’t touch the bar! Agghhhh!!!”

  4. 4 LMizzle April 24, 2007 at 8:25 pm

    Hahaha, yeah I never thought about it like that. I imagine that is a million times worse, especially in a really gross bathroom like a movie theatre bathroom!

  5. 5 John April 24, 2007 at 9:01 pm

    Avoid splashback by dropping a bit of bogroll in there first. Just don’t pee on it first, otherwise it doesn’t work.

    Top tip! Tops!

  6. 6 LMizzle April 24, 2007 at 9:15 pm

    Ahhh, that IS a good tip! I will try it on my next bathroom adventure!

  7. 7 Sandra April 25, 2007 at 1:55 am

    I’m never going to be able to poop at work again. I’m going to be the Official Shitbreak of the Rockyview world.

  8. 8 Goodboy Norman Featherstone April 25, 2007 at 1:36 pm

    You could put some toilet paper in the bowl before you poo. That will break your landing, so to speak.

  9. 9 Princess Pointful April 25, 2007 at 6:40 pm

    I stay away from the computer for a few days, and then return to about a 50% poop content in your new posts!
    It is a good day indeed.


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