Archive for April 24th, 2007

The Porcelain Dance of my Destiny.

I’m on a bathroom tirade again. I’d like to talk to you today about something I care passionately about—namely…pooping.
You see, I don’t enjoy pooping in public restrooms, but hey, when you work 8 hours in an office, it’s bound to happen. Every other day or so I am forced to drop the kids off at the pool at work, and it is rarely a time to rejoice.
First of all, I am forced with the dilemma of which toilet to use in the restroom. I once read in a magazine that most people are likely to walk down to the last stall in the bathroom, so it’s best to head straight for the stall closest to the door, because that one will have less fecal matter, blah blah on it. I’ve been a subscriber to this for years, and for the most part it’s true. The first stall in a bathroom is often the cleanest.
I think pretty much every woman who works here has somehow read the same article, because the first stall is clearly where most of these ladies are going to assplode.
I began to change my routine, thinking that the last stall would be my stall of choice (for the record, I hate going in the middle stalls. Too much action on either side of me.).
Apparently everyone ELSE uses that one.
What is a girl to do?
BUT THEN…then I saw a co-worker head to the one handicapped stall in the bathroom. At first I though she was crazy because the toilet is clearly another three inches higher off the ground and it’s in it’s own little area. I shortly realized that my co-worker is a GENIUS because no one who works here is handicapped, so no one goes into that stall! I HAVE FOUND A PORCELAIN NARNIA, MY FRIENDS!
Number one has been a dream since then. It is number two that is my downfall. Dropping a bomb from such great heights is not a good option. Do you know why? POTTY WATER SPLASHBACK! I hate this at home, let alone having communal ass water slap me in the butt when I’m pooping. I just want to drop and be done. None of this grand diving involving an intricate splash. I am not trying to execute a perfect ten, let me be clear on that, but when the cold hand of the public bathroom reaches up for a hi-five, I am totally grossed out.
Not only that, but what the hell are people supposed to do when they aren’t feeling so “solid” and they leave behind a little roadmap of their travels down the potty drain? Seriously. I know everyone has had this happen to them. It’s not like you can stick your hand in the toilet and clean house. You have to leave quickly, covertly…lest someone occupy that very same stall immediately after you. You think this as if the person to enter after you will have read that streak like a signature, deciding to send an organization-wide email to everyone in the building, mocking your sad bowels.
Or at least, that’s what I think. Sure, you may say that there are more pressing issues in the world today. Well you know what? I am a whiny, poop-shy bathroom wuss.
I like to keep it real like that.

April 2007
2930 collective fashion consciousness.