Archive for April 23rd, 2007

Look who graduated!!!

Awwww, Winston, you’re such a good boy! You went into obedience school kind of knowing how to do stuff like sit and down, and you left knowing more than all of the other retarded dogs that took the class with you.
I’m sorry to remind you that you didn’t manage to complete 100% obedience school-shitting. You graduated with an 88% floor pooping average. I guess that’s pooping with honors though, and it’s the effort that counts, not the grade.
You’re a god boy.

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Wow.

Let me just take this opportunity to apologize for the absolutely sick color of my masthead! I think it’s minty green? Anyhow, apparently the translation of my self-thought “rawking” green masthead has turned out looking pretty raunchy on my PC. I figure I might start doing something like Dooce and change my masthead each month or something.

I’d compose more here since it’s entirely all too slow at the ‘ol jobbo today, but I stupidly didn’t take my anti-anxiety-anti-depression meds in the right order, and thus I am a useless blob of crap.
I would like to say that unfortunately the poop in front of the bar has been removed, and the infamous bum is nowhere to be found today. Man…I can’t get the image of that dusty ass out of my head! Blech!

By the power of Grey Skull!

Today was pretty much awesome. I got to sleep in, which is always a delight. Sadly, Steve had to move some furniture at his mom’s place, so he didn’t get the pleasure of waking up to my glorious explosive mullet this morning. His loss!
When I woke up, I thought I’d watch Planet Earth on the Discovery Channel, because a little someone named OPRAH said that it would be on ALL DAY on Earth Day. I expected to see sweet animals like this:
BUT NO! WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME OPRAH?! WHY?!

I think I’m going to buy the BBC version on Tuesday when it comes out since OPRAH LIED TO ME.

After I dried my environmental tears, I waited for Steve to get back and we went to our pug meetup.
I wasn’t even there five minutes and the craziest thing happened! Meimei ran up to me and peed right on the crotch of my pants, and then ran off! Perhaps she was giving me what for, for when Winston came over to Amanda and Jerry’s with Zelda and us and Winston took a pee near their food bowls. Maybe she felt I needed to have a pee accident in my 20s. If only I spoke the language of the pug. All I know is that I spent the hour having lovely conversations with friends with a big ‘ol pee stain on my crotch. Basically it looked like I got a little too excited about the meetup! I love Meimei and Miko though, so it was okay. Sometimes dogs just need to take a leak on other peoples crotches. I’m cool with that.

Actually, speaking of peeing, I had the fortune to see a whacked-out hobo with his pants down to his knees, taking a huge dump at the front doors of a notoriously racist bar. Lucky for us, we were stopped at a red light, so not only did we see bare ass, AND poop come out of someone’s butt, but he also managed to shove his genitals out near his pooper to take a pee on his freshly deposited feces! Ahhh, you don’t see that kind of sweet action in the suburbs!

After that, Steve and I went to get tickets to Hot Fuzz.
Now before I tell you just how flipping amazing this movie is, I have a fart story.

I was standing in the chain bookstore by the movie theatre, looking at classic literature, when Steve angrily commented about how they didn’t carry “Slaughterhouse Five.” He stomped a bit to make a joke of it, and then farted quite possibly the loudest anus burp I have ever heard executed in public. It was only after he let the big one go, that he realized that he had blown a huge fart out in the middle of a busy bookstore. And this is why I love him.

Anyhow, Hot Fuzz was easily the best movie I’ve seen in 2007. It was 100%, grade A comedy and action.

My favorite line:
“I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be a police officer, except for the summer of 1979 when I wanted to be Kermit the frog.”

And you can pretty much tell why it was amazing.


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