Are Animal Crackers Really Even "Crackers"?


When is the last time any of you had the apparently “trans fat-free” deliciousness of an animal cracker in your tummy? You know how long it’s been? TOO LONG. I was grocery shopping last night and found myself amongst the bulk food aisles. Usually there’s nothing in these bins that I really care for, except for the occasional sour soother and malted milk ball. But then I saw it. A zoo of delicious little flavorless cookies just waiting to be scooped up into the arc of my mouth. At $0.33 per 100 grams, you really can’t go wrong.
I decided to separate a few wild animals from the group and take them to work with me as a humorous snack. As I’ve been eating them though, I have come across a disturbing realization: I can only tell what one of the animals is! I keep picking up so-called animals from my baggie of delight and wondering what, if anything, this cracker is supposed to be? The one I have right now looks like a fat man bent over, ready to reenact a scene from Deliverance! Where are my giraffes, my elephants, my lions?! They have been replaced by what appears to be a one-eyed camel, a fat guy, and Jabba the Hut. Let me tell you, that would make for a much stranger visit to the community zoo if those characters were present!

6 Responses to “Are Animal Crackers Really Even "Crackers"?”


  1. 1 Princess Pointful April 17, 2007 at 5:47 pm

    It has been too long!
    The one on the bottom looks like a hippo and the one on the top looks like an elephant with Alf’s head.

    … it kind of like clouds. What do you see?

  2. 2 LMizzle April 17, 2007 at 6:12 pm

    It looks kind of like a bear with an anvil for a head trying to make love to a duck!

  3. 3 Christine April 18, 2007 at 4:11 am

    this is making me crave animal crackers. my mother still gives them to me (the kind in the little kid circus box) and it makes me so happy. i also love the frosted ones. why do adults abandon kid food. grilled cheeses, p&j, fruit rollups, jello. its all good. except perhaps those dreadful plastic gushers. what a strange thing to go in a lunchbox. along with my daily moonpie, how concerned my mother was for my health!

  4. 4 Christine April 18, 2007 at 4:40 am

    The circus box animal crackers are the shit! They’re the real thing. When you get them in bulk you’re buying Chernobyl animal crackers.

  5. 5 Ultra Toast Mosha God April 18, 2007 at 10:48 am

    Well, uh, in the land of the Fat Man and Jabba the Hut, the One-Eyed camel is king.

    Or something

  6. 6 Goodboy Norman Featherstone April 18, 2007 at 1:49 pm

    That’s what happens when you buy discount animal crackers. You have to get the name brand ones if you want identifiable animals!


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