Nothing Covers up Dump like the Fresh Scent of Pine.

Wool. When I am cold, you are there for me, covering me in your lovely sheepy warmth. You make me insanely itchy though. We’re talking want-to-set-myself-aflame crazy itchy. I don’t even know why I own anything wool anymore. Damn this sweater that I thought was cotton! I am an itchy, wooly fool.
I also have a bone to pick with mother nature. Where I live, Chinooks happen. Along with Chinooks come extremely bizarre weather changes. Just as quickly as it blasts 10cm of snow, the weather goes back up to 17 Celsius and all the snow melts. Then it does the same thing all over again, and again, and again. I don’t remember the last time the weather stayed constant for a week! Along with this, any good city folk here knows that to be properly dressed for the ever-changing weather, that they must bring with them the entire contents of their coat closet. Boots, wellies, sandals, rain coat, umbrella, scarf, mitts, toque, blow torch, etc. Some of us even have the luxury of experiencing weather-change headaches! YES! As if we weren’t slave enough to the whims of the earth, we get to experience blasting migraines every time the temperature drastically changes! Damn, mother nature, at least buy me dinner first!
This also makes it difficult to take the dogs out. One day it’s beautiful out—no coat required, and we get to take an hour long walk. The next day there is 10cm of snow outside and it’s -25 with the windchill!

Anyhow, aside from complaining about the draining aspects of global warming, I’d like to talk to you about the grossest farmers market I’ve ever been to. I took Steve this weekend after he pleaded to be a part of the fantastic stink-fest that is the Crossroads Market. If you’re wondering what it’s like at this particular market, just imagine setting up shop inside a sweaty butthole for the weekend. There were more mullets and sweatpants than I’d like to remember. My all-time favorite product that I saw was the popular “air freshener teddy bear.” You too can add another teddy bear to your pile, but this one has a magical difference: it blasts out a variety of over-the-top smells out of its head! Finally! I was just thinking to myself the other day (as I look at my giant teddy bear collection, of course), “Wouldn’t it be great to own a teddy bear that not only looks cute, but covers up the smell of feces too?!” AND THERE IT WAS.

To make your own fantastic teddy air freshener, I suggest slicing open a beloved childhood toy, ripping out all the stuffing, and plowing a really cheap air freshener can in there. It’ll look about the same.

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9 Responses to “Nothing Covers up Dump like the Fresh Scent of Pine.”


  1. 1 Princess Pointful April 10, 2007 at 3:53 pm

    Yes, something can certainly be said for consistency.

    Air freshner bear?!?! Do people think that would be more subtle and less offensive than a can of air freshner?

    Please tell me there was a band there, at least!

  2. 2 Jemima Jones Beck April 10, 2007 at 3:57 pm

    Uhhhhh, scary! No air fresh-en-ing teddy for me, thanks!

  3. 3 LMizzle April 10, 2007 at 4:05 pm

    No band, but there was a nice art gallery upstairs that looked like a completely different place!

  4. 4 The Duke April 11, 2007 at 4:40 am

    I am going to make my own pug out of paper mache and steel.

    My pug is going to be named Mordicai and include a jack knife comb, hair dryer and daily stock report.

    You can see if he loved you by mixing baking soda and vinegar in his belly, if the froth makes it out, you have pleased the pug.

    Sciene has made your puppies obsolete.

    Are you jealous?

  5. 5 Goodboy Norman Featherstone April 11, 2007 at 1:32 pm

    There are rednecks in Canada? Wow. Who’d have thought. I thought everyone was more … refined in Canada, even the hicks. You should come down to the South sometime for a really good comparison though.

  6. 6 LMizzle April 11, 2007 at 2:39 pm

    Haha, oh yes we have a nice share of rednecks indeed! Most of them are in Alberta in fact!

  7. 7 Steve V April 11, 2007 at 2:59 pm

    I’ve met rednecks all over North America, and its amazing:
    They’re all the same.
    Same dress.
    Same speech patterns.
    Same over all crap-ness.

  8. 8 LMizzle April 11, 2007 at 3:06 pm

    Yeah, it’s odd how there can be so many types of people labeled “trendy”, but when it comes down to it, rednecks are generally the same…

  9. 9 lepug April 11, 2007 at 3:55 pm

    We use the Wiz Dog indoor potty system and we have this cool food grade odor remover. In Houston, it’s very hot and muggy so the Puggies are indoor most of the time…we sure do miss California weather!

    Enjoy the fun outdoors…we should all be so lucky, fresh air, snow, beautiful scenery…


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