Archive for April 10th, 2007

Nothing Covers up Dump like the Fresh Scent of Pine.

Wool. When I am cold, you are there for me, covering me in your lovely sheepy warmth. You make me insanely itchy though. We’re talking want-to-set-myself-aflame crazy itchy. I don’t even know why I own anything wool anymore. Damn this sweater that I thought was cotton! I am an itchy, wooly fool.
I also have a bone to pick with mother nature. Where I live, Chinooks happen. Along with Chinooks come extremely bizarre weather changes. Just as quickly as it blasts 10cm of snow, the weather goes back up to 17 Celsius and all the snow melts. Then it does the same thing all over again, and again, and again. I don’t remember the last time the weather stayed constant for a week! Along with this, any good city folk here knows that to be properly dressed for the ever-changing weather, that they must bring with them the entire contents of their coat closet. Boots, wellies, sandals, rain coat, umbrella, scarf, mitts, toque, blow torch, etc. Some of us even have the luxury of experiencing weather-change headaches! YES! As if we weren’t slave enough to the whims of the earth, we get to experience blasting migraines every time the temperature drastically changes! Damn, mother nature, at least buy me dinner first!
This also makes it difficult to take the dogs out. One day it’s beautiful out—no coat required, and we get to take an hour long walk. The next day there is 10cm of snow outside and it’s -25 with the windchill!

Anyhow, aside from complaining about the draining aspects of global warming, I’d like to talk to you about the grossest farmers market I’ve ever been to. I took Steve this weekend after he pleaded to be a part of the fantastic stink-fest that is the Crossroads Market. If you’re wondering what it’s like at this particular market, just imagine setting up shop inside a sweaty butthole for the weekend. There were more mullets and sweatpants than I’d like to remember. My all-time favorite product that I saw was the popular “air freshener teddy bear.” You too can add another teddy bear to your pile, but this one has a magical difference: it blasts out a variety of over-the-top smells out of its head! Finally! I was just thinking to myself the other day (as I look at my giant teddy bear collection, of course), “Wouldn’t it be great to own a teddy bear that not only looks cute, but covers up the smell of feces too?!” AND THERE IT WAS.

To make your own fantastic teddy air freshener, I suggest slicing open a beloved childhood toy, ripping out all the stuffing, and plowing a really cheap air freshener can in there. It’ll look about the same.

April 2007
2930 collective fashion consciousness.