Deck the halls with people in SUV’s who get pissed at people in parking lots because they only just started their Christmas shopping…

Yes, for some reason I braved the mall today. I decided after conducting my annual “Pre Boxing Day” sweep of Chinook (so I can get in and the hell out) for Boxing Day that I am not going to go Boxing Day Shopping. Usually I like to get up early and get the hell into the crazy mall to buy loads of shit. I actually saw absolutely nothing I wanted to get at the mall, so I decided to just buy myself some stuff at American Apparel and be done with any retail therapy until mid-January.
I do enjoy the people that end up at the mall around this time of year….you know, the people who otherwise never go out in public. There were several of what I like to call “Boredom Clusters.” These clusters are composed entirely of men. These men have been dragged to the mall to go shopping with their wives, but instead of actually going INTO any stores, they opt to huddle together in mall seating areas and balconies. Many of these men wear the everyman uniform of a baseball hat, jeans, and runners. Some even get really dressed up in the Canadian Tuxedo, which consists of an outfit entirely composed of jeans. Do they make jean socks? I hope for these men that they do.
I also was witness to some of the stinkiest smells my nose has ever had the misfortune of encountering. Is the general public opposed to showering and hygiene? I mean, I know times can be tight right now because of shopping, but we’re all in this together folks, and it’s really crowded in the malls, so let’s do everyone else a favor and STAY CLEAN. Mall department stores even have TONS of sample cologne and perfumes right now…there’s really no excuse to smell like a dirty old bag of sphincters. Steve just told me that every human being has approximately 42 sphincters, so let me clarify by saying “dirty old ass holes, or ass cracks, or even anal sphincter.” FORTY TWO SPHINCTERS?! Yikes.
Anyhow, the other thing I love to watch for at this time of year are those people with hair so crazy I want to just shave them bald. EVERYWHERE. Mullets, skullets, feathered hair, combovers and obviously over-teased hair are suddenly as evident as a teenage boner in gym class.

In other news, I managed to live on $60 for two weeks. HOW IN THE HELL?! I even had $10 left over! Who knew in this day and age that it was possible?! Luckily I don’t have to do it again though.

6 Responses to “Deck the halls with people in SUV’s who get pissed at people in parking lots because they only just started their Christmas shopping…”


  1. 1 Ultra Toast Mosha God December 18, 2006 at 12:29 pm

    An all-denim tuxedo? Surely that comes straight out of a Hasselhoff wet-dream.

    If it was made in Stonewash, he would probably go premature.

    As would David Lee Roth.

  2. 2 Okami December 18, 2006 at 2:52 pm

    HOORAY! I’m not the only person that finds the Christmas mall clusters creepy. Excellent descriptions on both the odd huddles of men and the “smell-that-cannot-be-named”.

    Ugh. I think I have to make at least one more trip to the mall before I’m done. *shudder* Maybe the new 24-hour Wal-Mart fiasco will woo away some of the ‘Canadian Tuxedo’ clientele.

  3. 3 LMizzle December 18, 2006 at 4:57 pm

    24-hour Wal-Mart?!?! Oh shit.

    Ultra: Indeed it is a Hasselhoff wet dream. The sheer number of Canadian tuxedos that I’ve seen in the past two weeks is astronomic!

    I’m sure many people own a stonewash one as well, which is just sick.

    The best thing I’ve seen are spandex pants that are screen printed to look like stonewash jeans.

    Sick.

  4. 4 Kara December 19, 2006 at 2:12 am

    Were those spandex pants on a man or woman? I’m grossed out either way!

  5. 5 Ultra Toast Mosha God December 20, 2006 at 4:56 pm

    Wow.

    That’s two fashion atrocities on the same pair of legs at once!

    That’s almost Nazi in it’s efficiency.

  6. 6 Deidre December 21, 2006 at 8:38 pm

    Whoa! I could never live off of 60 bucks for two weeks! You rock! I guess it’s not too hard as long as it’s a one time thing.


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