Archive for December, 2006

I gots a hankerin’

to go to New York this summer…any takers?either way, I want to see if there’s a real Pug Hill. If there is I plan to live in that park and die of happiness.

This just happened to me:

Zelda’s anal glands went on me while I was meeting Xray’s girlfriend! AWWWWWWWW!

It’s really stinky. Seriously.

I Touched Squiggle!

That’s right folks, my friend Squiggle is actually an Akita dog. I was as surprised as you! Kidding aside, I couldn’t be the one to show you what he looks like, so he will remain an internet mystery to those of you who haven’t seen his face! He he!
About a week ago, I had the fortune of meeting a longtime blogging friend of mine, Squiggle! I’ve known him about the second-longest I’ve known anyone that I don’t physically know (hmm, sounding a bit risky!). Two years and I’ve never talked to him or seen him, and yet he knows so much about who I am from my writing. It’s really crazy how the internet can do that. Bring people together from two different countries that would otherwise probably never meet.
That’s right people, on December 22nd, Squiggle and company were in my house!
I was thinking about this a little later that evening, and it is really interesting having known someone for so long and never having seen their face or heard their voice. There’s always a certain amount of trust we put in the people whose blogs we read, and I was fortunate enough to have met one of the nicest group of people I’ve ever had the opportunity to host! Yay!
Squiggle, B, and his brother were all lovely, and it was really great talking to them. Sadly, we only had about an hour and a half to share, so before long, Squiggle and his crew had to head to the airport.
Interesting to feel like they’ve been right there in your city all along, but when they left, we realized that we might never see them again (hopefully not though!).
It’s almost like taking characters from a favorite book that you love, and then actually having these people appear before you, and go just as quickly. It’s almost as if they exist somewhere out in the world, or are somehow a figment of imagination, and then the day comes where you get to sit down and talk to them, and even give them a hug!
It was really a great experience, and hopefully I’ll get to see you again Squiggle!

A Cartoon About Boxing Day!

I don’t know what the hell this says either, but it looks awesome!

Merrry Christmas to my peeps!

Hark! The naked angel dude with a gift wants everyone to have a nice, happy Christmas!

Oooooooh yeah!

It’s Christmas Eve Y’all

and none of my family is in town!

Well, I guess that’s not true, my retarded dad is in town, and I’m not even kidding about the retarded part! He got into an accident when I was ten and is brain injured. As you can see I have had almost fourteen years to get over it!

So I’m having another Christmas with my family gone. It’s pretty fucking weak I have to say! I have a pretty…shall we say “interesting” family, so holidays are the time that give me the most insane material to write about. Sadly for the last two years my family have all gone their separate ways, leaving me by myself. I mean, I have somewhere to go, but it’s not the same.

Anyhow, I do have some delightful stories including Xrayeagle being back in town and getting to meet Squiggle for the first time (yay!), but I’ll save those for a time when I feel a little more smiley.


What the deuce?

I’ve realized today that I’m in a very strange spot. Most of the people I know in this city that are my age are working part-time jobs, and just seem to be in a completely different place than me.
Then there’s the people who I work with. These people are all 20 years older than me, and are in a completely different place than me.
What happens to people in their 20s when they get full-time jobs? Where is everyone?

Anyone there?


This conversation just happened:

Steve: “Oh! I could be a security guard!”

Lauren: “No, I don’t want you to get shot!”

Steve: “Don’t worry, I’ll be wearing armor!”

Lauren: “Uhhh…”

Steve: “What if I get shot in the face?!?!?!”

Lauren laughs her ass off…

Steve: “Don’t laugh baby, this (circling face with finger) is our money-maker.”

Oh Steve, you are one crazy son of a b!

Deck the halls with people in SUV’s who get pissed at people in parking lots because they only just started their Christmas shopping…

Yes, for some reason I braved the mall today. I decided after conducting my annual “Pre Boxing Day” sweep of Chinook (so I can get in and the hell out) for Boxing Day that I am not going to go Boxing Day Shopping. Usually I like to get up early and get the hell into the crazy mall to buy loads of shit. I actually saw absolutely nothing I wanted to get at the mall, so I decided to just buy myself some stuff at American Apparel and be done with any retail therapy until mid-January.
I do enjoy the people that end up at the mall around this time of year….you know, the people who otherwise never go out in public. There were several of what I like to call “Boredom Clusters.” These clusters are composed entirely of men. These men have been dragged to the mall to go shopping with their wives, but instead of actually going INTO any stores, they opt to huddle together in mall seating areas and balconies. Many of these men wear the everyman uniform of a baseball hat, jeans, and runners. Some even get really dressed up in the Canadian Tuxedo, which consists of an outfit entirely composed of jeans. Do they make jean socks? I hope for these men that they do.
I also was witness to some of the stinkiest smells my nose has ever had the misfortune of encountering. Is the general public opposed to showering and hygiene? I mean, I know times can be tight right now because of shopping, but we’re all in this together folks, and it’s really crowded in the malls, so let’s do everyone else a favor and STAY CLEAN. Mall department stores even have TONS of sample cologne and perfumes right now…there’s really no excuse to smell like a dirty old bag of sphincters. Steve just told me that every human being has approximately 42 sphincters, so let me clarify by saying “dirty old ass holes, or ass cracks, or even anal sphincter.” FORTY TWO SPHINCTERS?! Yikes.
Anyhow, the other thing I love to watch for at this time of year are those people with hair so crazy I want to just shave them bald. EVERYWHERE. Mullets, skullets, feathered hair, combovers and obviously over-teased hair are suddenly as evident as a teenage boner in gym class.

In other news, I managed to live on $60 for two weeks. HOW IN THE HELL?! I even had $10 left over! Who knew in this day and age that it was possible?! Luckily I don’t have to do it again though.

December 2006
31 collective fashion consciousness.