Archive for October 15th, 2006

You Were the Burger of my Discontent.

Dear Ricky’s. This is what your sign SHOULD say. I ate at your bland establishment yesterday afternoon. I thought, “Hey, let’s try something new!” as Steve suggested we take a meal break after some intense shopping. After scanning the menu, I was delighted to see that they offered a delicious veggie burger! Yahoo! Let’s eat!

LITTLE DID I KNOW that this buger would offer me more than even a TRILOGY on its way to the crapper.

The first bite should have been a warning…

“Oh my god, this smells like Windex!”

“Really?”

“Yeah! What the hell?!”

I managed to battle through two bites before I gave up and resorted to eating the shittiest french fries of my life. I don’t even know how you mess something like french fries up. These Ricky’s people are a crafty bunch!

Thankfully, I am here to help. I have included a revised section of their menu to better explain the culinary delights that Ricky’s has in store for many to come:

I took a take-home box with the contents of my dismay inside. Dan graciously threw it out for me. Not even the bums in the alley should have to eat that crap.

I should have known better to even have taken a second bite of ANYTHING on that plate. Not even the fragrance of my food being cooked in cleaning solution stopped me from attempting to eat that burger!

The ride home was an interesting journey. I experienced a range of emotions as my digestive system attempted to form this mess into a solid product. I crippled over a few times as the poison smashed its way through my bowels like a battering ram through an ear duct.

I actually had to leave my shopping bags in my car and run into my house.

Surprisingly, the burger would not exit. I sat and sat on the toilet, hoping that my poop sweats would soon conclude and I could enjoy the rest of my evening. My crafty burger had other things in mind…

About 20 minutes later my digestive system again began to roar with dismay and I headed back to the bathroom.

“It’s like the end of Resevoir Dogs in here! Everyone’s got a gun, but no one knows whose gonna shoot first!”

AND THEN…IT CAME…

BANG!

Poonami.

I think being crippled with poop weakness is just about the most unusal experience in the world. You are so sad at points, you just want to die, AND THEN…..PURE JOY.

It’s over.

I am safe again.

I can flush all the bad memories away like liquid garbage.

Sadly today I am still sick. I don’t think I’ve gotten this sick since before I stopped eating meat.

That or when I stopped eating my mom’s cooking.

Heh.

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