An Apple a Day…Makes me Gassy.

When I have free time, I like to write. That’s why I got a blog. Maybe someone out there in the wild, blue internet will connect with my words in some way and they will be better for it.
Writing things down calms me. It gives my brain a chance to set things in order and to make my thoughts somewhat more tangible, even if they are only words on paper. I think writing has helped my anxiety and depression a lot. Certainly this blog has!
I suppose having anxiety and depression means I experience the world in a completely different way than others. I thought as something to soothe my mind this evening (considering there are 3 hours left of work and I am done everything) that I would explain what it’s like to live in my head.
Try to imagine you are a part of a world somewhat like the Jetsons. Do you remember how amazing all of those flying cars were?! I like to think of each word I think being one of those flying cars, which are strung into a sentence, thus creating a line of thought. Sometimes these lines continue into the great beyond. Some are short. I remember a time before I had been on medication where it felt like each piece of traffic—each thought were going about my brain with great speed, and when I noticed this, the speed only increased. I’m not sure how someone would even normally think. I usually have several things drifting through my head at once, but back when I didn’t know anything was wrong these thoughts would begin to compete. Think of hundreds of strands of thoughts increasing in speed so rapidly that eventually you can’t even make out a single word and things start to crash. I still get that feeling sometimes. Too many things happening too rapidly. Too many worries and thoughts competing for attention.
It would be really nice to have some sort of filing system. Some way to organize all of the things I think about. A large room that looks like the filing system you see at the doctor where I can go and pick out files from time to time and try to finish them.
I suppose it goes without saying that I get a LOT of headaches from this! It can grow worse and worse and my head will pound harder and harder trying to process it all, but nothing will work.
I find this happens a lot when I am alone. I don’t mind being alone. I don’t mind being with my thoughts. It’s just that sometimes the flood gates fail me and I am left drowning in an ocean of unfinished thoughts. There I am floating in a sea of letters with few resources to get out.
I have my ways of getting out of this pattern though. When I was in school I would immerse myself so hard in my coursework that I couldn’t possibly focus on anything else. This was my dream solution considering how much I loved to study! Sadly, over the past few months I have had to get into a lifestyle where I won’t be forced to do homework ever again. Students wait their whole lives to get out into the real world…don’t they?


2 Responses to “An Apple a Day…Makes me Gassy.”

  1. 1 rad steveness September 11, 2006 at 2:43 am

    we can find something to study together

  2. 2 Ultra Toast Mosha God September 11, 2006 at 1:42 pm

    Like Sir Radness says, there is no reason for you to cease studying.

    If this makes you feel better, keep on learning.

    You could even take up a musical instrument.

    I won’t pretend that I know what it’s like to have your head on my shoulders, but I know that playing an instrument commands all my attention and no matter what is going on in my life, I can always take comfort in it.

    If that doesn’t grab you, study japanese history in extreme depth.

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September 2006
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24252627282930 collective fashion consciousness.



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