Archive for May, 2006

Crackhouses, wedding bells, and other marvels

Today the two crack houses that somewhat “hugged” the fence of my backyard were torn down. Bye bye, crazy crackhouses! One of them actually looked like it had been a nice house once. The other one…ummm, looked JUST like you’d think a crackhouse would look. Broken windows, broken steps, boarded up…I’d say that’s pretty much the description! One of the demolition people said that when they went to clean the inside of the house, it was the worst they’d ever seen…needles and crack pipes everywhere! Apparently there was a lot of shag carpeting too! Sick! Sadly, because they took down the crackhouses, they also ripped out the crackhouse tree that was shielding our dining room window from how ugly everything was! Now I have to look at a dirty old bathtub! Somehow the demolition crew cracked two of the sections of window in the dining room as well! Craptastic. Steve called the architect though, so hopefully something is done aobut that…

In other, shittier news, it seems as though wedding fever has struck all around me! Some girl at work who just got back from Scotland was proposed to in a castle, and since my cubicle is in a major intersection point, I have gotten to hear her re-tell the story of how romantic the proposal was TIME AND TIME AGAIN. A friend of mine I’ve known since junior high also emailed me today to tell me she’s getting married next June. Not to say I’m not extremely happy for these girls, but when you’ve been proposed to and had it taken away, it leaves SOMEWHAT of a TEENY, TINY sore spot whenever I hear anything involving WEDDINGS or people getting ENGAGED.

“Hey, I was engaged once! What’s that? Oh, no not anymore!”

In other, less pain inducing news, I’m beginning to wonder where anyone got the memo that it was okay to wear Gator shoes when in public? I have some that I wear to the hospital when I work, and most people have them there. These shoes are about as ugly as they are comfortable, which is VERY. I don’t know what would posess anyone to wear these hideous things in public, but I saw a girl in capri pants, green socks FOLDED DOWN, and blue Gator shoes.


Come on baby…back that Bass up

What an interesting sample of blogging inspiration I received from the blogging gods today! This is most certainly 300% more awesome!

First of all, Tom Cruise is a crazy, crazy man.

I don’t know what happened to him. Does getting all up in Katie Holmes make you crazy? I still haven’t seen the Oprah escapade yet…I will be looking for it on YouTube shortly. Anyhow, I just mention him because there is apparently trouble in paradise with TomKat.

This morning I was assigned the duty of creatively making a display about a free fishing trip in BC that my work is auctioning off. I tried looking up bass on google, but as it turns out, I only got pictures of the instrument and some people holding dead fish. I didn’t think it would be so hard to find a stupid picture of a fish! All I wanted was a delicious bass jumping out of the water in a fit of bass joy!!! No go. I finally managed to find a salmon picture that was adequate…but somehow on my search for a fish picture, this came up:

A SQUIRREL IN A CANOE!!! This is pretty much the best thing that anyone could bring someone from a trip.

“How was Banff.”

“Eh, it was okay, but I DID find this SQUIRREL ROWING A CANOE!”


At least, that’s how I think it would go. So this and Ultra Toast’s comment about Damien Hirst got me to wondering about the delightful world of taxidermy!

So I did some research and found that I am reasonably understanding of someone who wants a dead animal in their home, but those people that have like…just an animal’s HEAD? I want to know someone who has one in their home! Seriously!!! I think the collection of animal heads lost appeal back in the 80s, but I’m sure there are still people out there with a variety of stuffed animals in their homes…

Then I got to thinking, just HOW did they preserve Lenin?

Turns out, no one knows. I think it was some magical Communist potion of good times. But what explains those people who die and are just somehow magically preserved? I wonder if people stay fresher longer now that we eat stuff like Cheez Whiz, which is almost a plastic…are we less biodegradable?

I found an exhibition called “Bodies” where the artist actually compiled a ton of dead people and used this plastic method to preserve them in different poses, and even cut up some of the bodies. As I already looked at these photos, and would not like to lose my lunch, go look it up!

Aside from bodies, my fasination grew after I looked up the squirrel rowing the canoe to post it here, and I managed to find out that squirrel fishing is actually popular.

I want to do this! Who wants to come?!

It wasn’t me, it was the one-armed man

I’m not going to lie. I got paid to look at photos for 8 hours. One thousand photos. Needless to say I can’t really focus on anything after looking at my laptop screen for so long!

Work is pretty sweet. There’s always chips and coffee (not to be taken together!).

Check out my sexy new blog!!! The dream team of Sarah and me made this magical re-vamp happen! Woot!

Let’s see, what can I tell you to catch you up?

I spent most of last week with my best friend, Mike, who was in town for the week. It only takes a minute to realize how much you’ve missed someone! I do wish we were in the same city, but I think we’re both doin’ pretty good where we are, and that’s all I can ask for.

So with hot weather comes dudes with no shirts. What’s with dudes and taking off their shirts?! Why is it usually only the ugle people who want to get so naked when it’s warm out?! I saw three fat douchebags riding fancy bicycles down 17th ave today. Their fat was flopped carelessly over their pant-rims. Ah to be so carefree to let one’s fat catch a nice summer breeze! These are indeed the days we wait a lifetime for.

I went to Tim Horton’s after work for a bagel/coffee top up, and was handed my delicious quisine by a slimy man with only one arm. I’m not one to disgriminate against a hard working man with one arm, but this man looked like he had a bath in old doughnut shavings and then got into a wrestling match with a pig smothered in butter! He handed me my bagle with his stub. THE STUB! Then this toothless dude that enjoys taking my order and then forgetting it handed me my iced cappuccino. Thankfully there was no extra teeth in my iced cap. Only the usual amount of teeth were involed. This Tim Horton’s is like the island of misfit humans! Sick! Is it wrong to say that I feel better about the food I eat when average to above average people serve me? Am I a sick bastard?! I can tell you I wasn’t so hot on the bagel after slimy mc-no arm threw my bagel to me off his stub. Jealous???

I was watching a shitty tv show with shitty comics last night when one discussed that a life-sized statue of Britney Spears had been made by an artist to showcase that she was “the voice of pro-life” or some shit. WHAT THE HELL?! I’m not interested in seeing Britney in any art display, ESPECIALLY one where her son’s head is partially out of her cooter and she’s sprawled doggy-style over a bearskin rug! WHY??????

I don’t know if I’m sorry or not that I couldn’t find a vag shot of this…

In more intellectual news, I went to see The DaVinci Code this weekend.

I actually was pretty pissed when I was done the book (if you remember that long ago) becuase it had STRIKING similarities to another book, The Alchemist, that I had read about six months earlier. The movie I liked. It reminded me about some things that I really love about the arts. I love finding things out about paintings that I didn’t know. I like the little symbols and interpretations. I hope I can actually see The Mona Lisa one day in person.

Which got me to thinking…should I get back into art? Should I take some classes? I know I can’t at the moment, what with two jobs, but I’m seriously considering it after the summer. It was, after all, my first love in school…

What’s your favorite work of art? Mine has always been The Birth Of Venus. I’ve painted a rather small and crappy version of it myself. There’s just something about it I’ve always loved. The angels, Venus on a shell…the fact that she couldn’t be covered…it just moves me.

A Lifetime to Live

I am currently sharing a bowl of cereal with my cat. She likes bubble gum and green tea ice cream too.

I am wearing the first gold piece of jewelry that I’ve owned in like eight years. Sick!

I am on day eleven in a row of work. So far so good. Whenever I get tired I go to Tim Horton’s and drink a load of coffee. Nothing like chemical stimulants to keep you going!

I get to head up a wicked project at work soon. Management has decided I get to design and re-vamp a room in the building to better display our charitable activities. Niiiiiiiiiice!

I keep getting home from work too tired to make dinner. Cereal is becoming a staple item.

Dang, gotta get to work! Ok bye!

Workin’ 9 to 5

What a way to make a livin’. So I’m on day 9 in a row of work. I don’t think it’s the longest I’ve gone without a break. I’m pretty sure I’ve done 12. It’s not actually the work I mind so much as the sleeping in that I miss. Sleep, oh glorious sleep. Wherever did you go???

I hung out with Mike almost all day yesterday. It makes me really miss that he’s not here. We have some mighty good talks. Talks that probably keep me sane. Damn this province apart thing!

It’s going to be clost to 30 degrees today. WTF? What’s with all the global warming, Mother Earth? I am pale, and therefore need lots of shade! I guess Vancouver IS a good option for me, what with all the clouds.

Henry Burris

is the nicest, most genuine person I’ve met in a long time.

It’s Potty Time!

One of the funniest things about having a bathroom at work modeled after a high school bathroom is that when you’re already on the crapper and someone comes in to pee and they let out a huge ripper of a fart, you hear them loud and clear!

It kind of breaks down hierarchical barriers, wouldn’t you say?

Something like a Comarison

I bought the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album last week and to my awkward surprise, I noticed a song that bellowed the lyrics, “Something like a phenomenon baby, something like a phenomenon…”

Huh?! Isn’t this an LL Cool J song?! What the hell???

Somehow, one of Ladies Love Cool J’s overtly hump-tastic choruses made it into a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song!!! This is an abomination that will not be tolerated!

Let’s take note of the similarities and differences between the two songs. Won’t you come with me on this special adventure?

While LL thrusts out the chorus of:

“Something like a phenomenon [repeat 8X]
(uh huh) (go ahead daddy),”

which, if you didn’t know, LL wrote himself in a brief burst of inspiration, the more musically apt Yeah Yeah Yeahs sing:

” Something like a phenomena, baby
You’re something like a phenomena
Something like a phenomena, baby
You’re gonna get your body off”

I can listen to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs chorus longer because they feel it necessary to only drive home the “something like a phenomena” line three times, while Cool J proceeds to bang out his similar chorus EIGHT times per chorus while singing over girls moaning “uh huh, go ahead daddy.” I didn’t hear any moaning during the Yeah’s rendition, but perhaps some dry humping overtones could be heard if you play it backwards…

While the Yeah’s prefer a more subtle sexual approach by singing, ” She’ll make you sweat in the water,” we suddenly realize INDEED why Ladies Love Cool J when he brags that he’s the “Taster’s choice, have you nice and moist.” Well LL, I’m not going to argue with someone whose lips are as swollen as Chyna’s labia.

The sexual games don’t end there either! The Yeah’s proceed to proclaim that “You’re gonna get your body off” and LL croons that his lady can “Run your mouth though your legs over the bed baby, work me out.” It’s like a pornographic buffet of language over here!

Both songs then take a chilly turn when the Yeah’s sing that ” It’s cold under the blanket,” LL prefers to take it to the bling level with “I give you two, Italian, ice my whole crew.” Shrinkage, Ahoy!

But wait…LL gets real at the end of the song, professing “you’re worth it playgirl, it’s real in the field, say what you want, but keep your lips sealed.” My my Cool J, what a clever double entendre of the word LIPS. You’re so clever.

Maybe I’ll side with LL and “Keep it jinglin, no more minglin.” Wait, I don’t even know what the fuck that means. No, Cool J, I will, in fact, NOT keep it jinglin. What the hell does it mean to jingle circa 1994? Actually, I also love the line “You beefin, yellin on the cell of my 6.” What the hell does that even mean? LL’s all like, “Yo biatch, quit yo beefin and come let me lick your whole body in under 10 seconds with my huge mouth!”

Thanks LL, you’re really a romantic at heart, but I think I’ll stick with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Ah, fuck it. I’m gonna go listen to The Strokes.

Cats CAN Poop in the Toilet

Steve R. and I had an argument a few weeks ago about cats going to the bathroom in a real toilet. He didn’t believe it could be done.


I heart Wes Anderson

May 2006
28293031 collective fashion consciousness.