She’s Trying to Kill Me

Damnit, none of my damn funny images are uploading today. Ah well.

It’s been much too long since I’ve posted! I shall begin again with a bang.

I think my mom is trying to kill me. That’s right, there’s something rotten in Denmark, and it’s the food my mom is trying to pack for me!

I got up this morning to do some dishes (because if I do my dishes when my mother is up, she does this “WOW, I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING…SOMEONE GRAB THE CAMERA!!!” Har har, that never made me WANT to do dishes, and….IT STILL DOESN’T!!!

Anyhow, she took it upon herself to pack some of my glasses up for me…a nice gesture it would seem.

BUT NO!

I looked into the box, just to take a peek, and sitting in the box were old bags of Starbucks coffee and chai that had expired in 2004! WHERE THE SHIT DID THESE EVEN COME FROM?! I kept digging and found a jar of almond butter (sort of like panut butter, only less interesting) that at one point I had thrown out…that my mother had resurrected from the trash, PUT BACK IN THE CUPBOARD and then proceeded to PACK IT WITH MY GLASSES! GROSS! Promptly, I threw everything out.

Then as luck would have it (as it always does), my mom came into the kitchen.

“Whoa lady, you packed a bunch of expired food into my box!”

“Well why is there expired food in the cupboard?”

(*here’s where I think but do not say, “Because you have so much useless crap in there, how would we even know??!”)

I continue by retorting, “You packed a jar of almond butter I had thrown in the garbage!”

“No I didn’t.”

oh for pete’s sake….

Anyhow, she proceeded to explain to her husband as I walked away that I had, for so many years, been keeping useless food in the cupboard taking up valuable space for other expired food products….

What the crap?!?!

It only takes a mom to make moving out stressful.

LESSON LEARNED: Try to keep pretty much everyone else from helping you pack. They will poison you.

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10 Responses to “She’s Trying to Kill Me”


  1. 1 Xrayeagle March 19, 2006 at 8:28 pm

    It’s a right of passage, they use you moving as a way to get rid of shit they don’t want and then they can go buy nice new shit. Note, you will not be bought the nice shit. However, the crap you recieve will be delivered as the best gift in the world.

    You mom has so much expired food. Maybe that’s why everything tasted like snouts and anus? (anui? anuses?)

  2. 2 Deidre March 20, 2006 at 12:24 am

    Ha ha! I think my mom did something like that when I moved out. It was more like, “Here, take this. Take that also. Whatever to get you out….” Ha! Of course, she never said whatever to get you out, but I know that’s what she was thinking.

  3. 3 LMizzle March 20, 2006 at 2:39 am

    Yeah, and right before I left for work I saw that she had put the coffee and chai that expired in 2004 in a grocery bag.

    WHAT THE HELL IS SHE GOING TO DO WITH IT?!?!!?

  4. 4 tjam March 20, 2006 at 4:39 am

    I TOLD HER not to touch any of your stuff and let you pack it yourself but apparently she hasn’t realized that you are an adult and you might not need her to pack your things for you (i’d watch when you’re unpacking for any underwear she’s also pulled out of the garbage and feels you should still wear!)

  5. 5 Ultra Toast Mosha God March 20, 2006 at 10:36 am

    anui.

    You will get on SO much better with yourmum once you aren’t living with her, as you have no doubt forseen.

    Now you can sneak back and poison her with impunity.

    “It wasn’t me officer. I don’t live here…”

  6. 6 Joe March 20, 2006 at 2:34 pm

    Too funny…erm…I mean about your mom putting them in a grocery bag, not about her trying to poison you.

    My guess is that this Christmas there’s going to be a little shopping bag of expired Starbucks products sitting under the tree for you.

  7. 7 LMizzle March 20, 2006 at 4:31 pm

    TJam: Perhaps I’ll make a pair of underpants out of garbage and put it in HER drawer…

    Ultra: I sure hope so! Though this incident was more funny than anything

    Joe: If you’re lucky, that bag will be waiting for YOU on xmas morning!

    Coffee, anyone?

  8. 8 Deidre March 20, 2006 at 4:51 pm

    Ha! I’d love coffee, but I think I’ll go to the corner store to get mine, thanks.

  9. 9 Okami March 20, 2006 at 6:55 pm

    That is onmi-gross; what kind of parental figure feeds their kids garbage?

    Um – except most of the general population…uh…nevermind, I think my point just got swallowed up by irony.

  10. 10 Blondie March 20, 2006 at 7:57 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, y’now, it’s hilarious that I’ve heard stories about your mom for uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 6 years now and still never met her…I think my opinion would be tainted.


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