Vancouver: Day 1 (or, why shoes made of babies is so radcore!)

This vacation was bound to be a glorious one right from takeoff. As Dusan, SteveR and I boarded the plane (afer it was delayed an hour…SIGH), we were greeted with an optimistic pilot. Some random dude talking on his walkie-talkie to the pilot asked if we were looking good for takeoff. The pilot send a resounding, “Right awwwwwn” to the dude.
After enjoying the back-of-seat television programming (which included me watching the “behind the music” type documentary on the Chip n’ Dales strippers, we were in Vancouver! As I join Dusan outside, I see to my elation that there is GREEN GRASS outside. This may not seem like anything incredible to anyone outside of my hometown, but to see flowers and green grass in February is like watching Bigfoot walk out of the men’s bathroom. SHOCKING.
We ended up with a delightful Indian cab driver who was listening to the best Indian radio station EVER, but alas, my worry about him shanking me if he thought I was making fun of his music stopped me from inquiring as to the frequency of the station.
I also have to note that Vancouver has pretty much the WORST drivers in Canada. We almost got run over about 4 times on our first day. If anyone owns some armor, feel free to move there.
Mike took us for coffee at JJ Bean. We had the infamous Americano that he’s been raving about for months. I have to say, this Americano made the bux taste like a hobo’s sock soaked in water. BEST. COFFEE. EVER. I wish they had one here…I can still taste the luxury…
While I was taking in the sights on the street from the JJ Bean patio, my eyes ran across some nice graffiti that said, “Love…not lust.” Man, even Canadian grafitti is polite!
After getting hopped up on espresso, we headed to Motherland, a Communist store owned by the prettiest homosexual I’ve seen since Rufus Wainwright. Nothing like a store featuring the proud hammer and sickle!
As the day progressed, we decided it was time to start drinking. I don’t get drunk very often, so this was bound to be interesting. We ended up meeting the infamous Braleigh and Mike’s brother, Peter for beer at The Jolly Alderman pub. I decided it was time I had some pie and beer in combination, so I ordered the special pie of the day.
“What’s your pie of the day?”
“Uhhhh, I have no idea, I guess I could go back to the kitchen to check, but who knows.”
“Ooooookay. I’ll just have whatever pie you’ve got.”
She shows up with a normal slice of pie, indicating that the last two pieces were “a bit” small, so she gave me both as a treat. I must stress that the two pieces didn’t combine to make anything more than a NORMAL SLICE OF PIE instead of the royal ripoff that each individual slice would have been. Do not disrespect the pie queen.
It was officially the worst pie I’ve ever eaten. Actually, the beer tasted like a butt as well. I don’t think that waitress liked me much because no one else’s glass smelt like a garbage dump…
After moving pubs and enjoying who knows how many pitchers, we ended up at Mike’s where we enjoyed “other substances.” This resulted in us having a discussion about how three days of the week should be pretty much eliminated from the week, how poop beards are the new dirty Sanchez, using babies for shoes, and why smoking breadsticks is totally awesome.
All our fun also resulted in a more than tired tenant in Mike’s apartment building complaining at Mike’s door at 3am about the noise! Oops! I guess you should be aware of your volume when you discuss why the goalie for the Flames should be outlawed from purchasing model train sets!
I think we all passed out after that…which made for an interesting DAY 2…

TO BE CONTINUED?!

8 Responses to “Vancouver: Day 1 (or, why shoes made of babies is so radcore!)”


  1. 1 Xrayeagle February 27, 2006 at 3:35 am

    Yes, many of my new facist laws were discussed. Don’t forget that I also banned Dusan’s pants from ever being rolled up again.

    Best tyrant ever!

  2. 2 Marina February 27, 2006 at 3:38 am

    Sounds awesome lauren! Now picture pictures

  3. 3 tjam February 27, 2006 at 7:10 am

    I’m so proud of you!

  4. 4 Ultra Toast Mosha God February 27, 2006 at 10:11 am

    “Other substances” once lead to a 3hr rock n roll mime-off in a friends basement, simulation of resident evil in a darkened caravan and re-enactment of the entire death star trench run.

    err… all drugs are all bad all of the time!!

  5. 5 LMizzle February 27, 2006 at 7:00 pm

    Mike: How could I forget the glory of the laws!

    Marina: I didn’t take any pics the first day, so there will be some soon…

    Tjam: awwww ye!

    Ultra: Yes, er….drugs are bad and smelly! Poop!

  6. 6 Okami February 27, 2006 at 7:25 pm

    Alright – let’s review:

    Worst pie ever eaten – check.
    Worst sushi ever eaten – check.
    Worst beer ever consumed – check.
    Worst class ever taken – check.
    Worst job ever attempted – check.
    Worst stank from anti-bathing – check.

    Wow – you’re plowing through the list rather quickly aren’t you?

  7. 7 Deidre February 27, 2006 at 8:40 pm

    awesome day one! I’ve acutally planned my vacation and its going to be exciting. Well it should be. But I’m not meeting friends or anything….hmmm. I like going to new places.

  8. 8 Okami February 28, 2006 at 6:53 pm

    I sure hope your camera is operational soon, the blogging public is getting restless…

    Well, okay, not restless – outright mind-numbingly bored…but sweater-vest clad three-hour soul-wrenching lectures will do that to sane people.

    And me.


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