Published February 27, 2006
This vacation was bound to be a glorious one right from takeoff. As Dusan, SteveR and I boarded the plane (afer it was delayed an hour…SIGH), we were greeted with an optimistic pilot. Some random dude talking on his walkie-talkie to the pilot asked if we were looking good for takeoff. The pilot send a resounding, “Right awwwwwn” to the dude.
After enjoying the back-of-seat television programming (which included me watching the “behind the music” type documentary on the Chip n’ Dales strippers, we were in Vancouver! As I join Dusan outside, I see to my elation that there is GREEN GRASS outside. This may not seem like anything incredible to anyone outside of my hometown, but to see flowers and green grass in February is like watching Bigfoot walk out of the men’s bathroom. SHOCKING.
We ended up with a delightful Indian cab driver who was listening to the best Indian radio station EVER, but alas, my worry about him shanking me if he thought I was making fun of his music stopped me from inquiring as to the frequency of the station.
I also have to note that Vancouver has pretty much the WORST drivers in Canada. We almost got run over about 4 times on our first day. If anyone owns some armor, feel free to move there.
Mike took us for coffee at JJ Bean. We had the infamous Americano that he’s been raving about for months. I have to say, this Americano made the bux taste like a hobo’s sock soaked in water. BEST. COFFEE. EVER. I wish they had one here…I can still taste the luxury…
While I was taking in the sights on the street from the JJ Bean patio, my eyes ran across some nice graffiti that said, “Love…not lust.” Man, even Canadian grafitti is polite!
After getting hopped up on espresso, we headed to Motherland, a Communist store owned by the prettiest homosexual I’ve seen since Rufus Wainwright. Nothing like a store featuring the proud hammer and sickle!
As the day progressed, we decided it was time to start drinking. I don’t get drunk very often, so this was bound to be interesting. We ended up meeting the infamous Braleigh and Mike’s brother, Peter for beer at The Jolly Alderman pub. I decided it was time I had some pie and beer in combination, so I ordered the special pie of the day.
“What’s your pie of the day?”
“Uhhhh, I have no idea, I guess I could go back to the kitchen to check, but who knows.”
“Ooooookay. I’ll just have whatever pie you’ve got.”
She shows up with a normal slice of pie, indicating that the last two pieces were “a bit” small, so she gave me both as a treat. I must stress that the two pieces didn’t combine to make anything more than a NORMAL SLICE OF PIE instead of the royal ripoff that each individual slice would have been. Do not disrespect the pie queen.
It was officially the worst pie I’ve ever eaten. Actually, the beer tasted like a butt as well. I don’t think that waitress liked me much because no one else’s glass smelt like a garbage dump…
After moving pubs and enjoying who knows how many pitchers, we ended up at Mike’s where we enjoyed “other substances.” This resulted in us having a discussion about how three days of the week should be pretty much eliminated from the week, how poop beards are the new dirty Sanchez, using babies for shoes, and why smoking breadsticks is totally awesome.
All our fun also resulted in a more than tired tenant in Mike’s apartment building complaining at Mike’s door at 3am about the noise! Oops! I guess you should be aware of your volume when you discuss why the goalie for the Flames should be outlawed from purchasing model train sets!
I think we all passed out after that…which made for an interesting DAY 2…
TO BE CONTINUED?!
Published February 24, 2006
Okay folks, as I sit here in bed, I can tell you (only because you can’t see or smell me) that I am now on day 4 with no shower. Why am I as rotten as the greased up deaf guy?
Well, until my camera batteries charge, you’ll have to wait to hear about my one shower in five days, Helly Hansen pants in East Hastings, drinking until smoking a breadstick seems normal, and why we ended up watching otters have sex for an hour.
All that and more…when my camera batteries charge!
Published February 18, 2006
In less than 48 hours! I haven’t flown in about six or eight years, so this will be interesting. I’m not a fan of planes, but I’m gonna give it another go. It’s only an hour and a half or something in the air, so it shouldn’t be too bad. I’m also trying to set a record for least amount of luggage brought on a week-long trip. Steve R suggests that we both wear all the clothes we’re planning on wearing for the entire week on the plane, that way we’ll have a lot more luggage space. I’m not sure how I feel about wearing five pairs of underwear. Actually, a better idea is if we both wore the stuff the other one was going to be wearing in Vancouver. That way, Steve has to wear like 5 pairs of women’s underwear on the plane. Excellent!
I made this for a friend who had an interesting experience with someone who may or may not have had herpes. You know who you are.
In other news, it’s my one year anniversary tomorrow with Steve! Wohoo! We’re going for dinner, then we’re going to see the New Pornographers in concert! Sweet ass!
Eugh, admittedly wearing a velour hoodie. Isn’t that sick?! It was a shitty gift from my step-dad’s mom. Step-grandmother? Whatever. Anyhow, it’s one of those “last resort” kind of outfits that I’m wearing because I’m doing vacation laundry. Oddly enough while I’m wearing what can only be described as one of the top ten worst outfits I own, who should surprise me at my door but Steve V and Dan! Hello! I look like an ugly swamp beast! May I breathe my 3 hour nap breath on you?! Oh well, it was a good surprise.
On another tangent, is it just me, or do fleece pants make you smell like a dirty asshole really quickly? Something about that fake fabric really captures the stink. I don’t even smell bad, but when the fleece pants are on me, it smells like I was jogging through a cloud of stinky taint.
That’s just me, though.
Published February 16, 2006
It is currently around 9am. The weather network says it is -26, but with windchill it feels like -38 celcius (-36 farenheit)!
I have to drive downtown! Noooooooooooo!
Published February 16, 2006
TIME TO GET NAKED!!!!
Okay, I’m not getting naked, but I have begun the countdown to Vancouver!!! We leave on Sunday! AWESOMEPANTS!!! The crew has a video camera and digital camera ready to document each and every embarassing moment of our vacation! I haven’t been on a vacation since before I started college, so this is sure to be a blast! I’m going to see the New Pornographers the night before, so Steve R and I will be dressed in matching New Porno shirts on the plane ride down! Mike says he’s taking us to have the best fucking americano’s in the world on our first day, and naturally this ex-Starbucks barista will have to be the judge of THAT. To free up room in Mike’s freezer he said that Steve and my first meal may be perogies, french fries, and ice cream, and really I’m not picky, so RAWK OOOOON.
The best part is that we’re pretty much leaving at the best time, because it’s supposed to get down to -26 celcius as a HIGH tomorrow! EFF THAT! I’m staying in all day tomorrow because I don’t want to lose my nipples!
Published February 15, 2006
Thanks to Sarah who sent me an Uglydoll keychain! He arrived just in time for Valentine’s Day!
Published February 15, 2006
Creo created and Pestis destroyed and so was the order of things. What was a moment to them was an age in the land of the living. Creo of the light was clever and placed all her creations in systems so that suns, moons and seasons were stable and flowed with ease. she also created a shrine-like stone body to remember their mother in the garden so that her spirit could rest there and the sisters could visit her and give offerings.
Pestis was the more patient, yet more deadly of the two and it was her job to bring darkness, death, and disease to Creo’s work. She whispered her dark words and beasts fell at her feet. Pestis always did a good job. There was no more a beautiful place than when Pestis touched a realm with night.
The girls would sit in their starry resting place and with a wave of her hand, Creo would stir living creatures into being. Feathers, scales fur…or all three! Creo made the most wonderful beasts. Then it was Pestis’ turn to copy and make better. But she never could. With a wave of her own hand, Pestis’ creations were foul-smelling and began to rot the minute they appeared. Creo would squeal her sunlit laughter at the sight of her sister’s abominations. Pestis liked this game. She knew the gift of creation was not hers, but liked to entertain her sister all the same.
Creo secretly knew this. Sometimes Creo would look at her sister, while she was not watching and weep silently to herself. She loved her so much it was as if she did not want her to exist. Words could not describe. Pestis was her world. But she could never tell her this. Pestis was fearless and a sometimes troublesome girl. She had no care for soft words when there were whole realms to undo…