Since Jess managed to break the ribs of the grandchild of the couple on the children’s tv show, Ballooner Landing, I thought it necessary to tell you all about why a children’s tv personality from my city hates me.
A long time ago, I was a patroller, you know…those kids that they convince to stand out in the middle of the road any stop traffic for younger kids. We were armed with nothing more than a whistle and a stop sign. Back in those days they actually let us walk out into traffic, whereas the lucky little bastards these days only have to hold the sign in the road. Anyhow, enough about how kids these daya don’t have the brass balls they used to…
So every year the patrollers got to go to Heritage park for the yearly awards ceremony. For all those who don’t know what Heritage Park is, it’s basically a park that has a bunch of historic buildings from the early 1900s and people dressed in century clothing. In short, it’s pretty much a way for parents to bore their children to death (unless their kids like to go ghost hunting in the haunted houes situated on the property, like I did in the summer).
Anyhow, I was maybe like 8 or 9 when I attended my first patroller meeting. They give the kids free hot dogs and candy to keep them partying and awake. So I’m walking around with a few friends, enjoying the joyous sunshine, when I see local children’s tv star, Buckshot walk by.
Let me explain a little bit about Buckshot…
Buckshot is a cowboy. He’s kind of the semi-fat looking uncle you’d have if you lived in texas. He has a puppet sidekick named Benny the Bear. This bear was pretty much a pice of a 2×4 with a stuffed bear shoved over it. Anyhow, he was on tv in the mornings from what I remember, and a quite enjoyed his antics between my morning cartoons.
For some reason as I was sitting on the grass by the gift shop, out of the blue I see Buckshot walking with Benny. Now I am so excited at this point that I’m seeing a shitty celebrity that I am speechless, and I somehow lose the ability to explain to my friends that the opportunity to meet Buckshot is shortly going to pass us by.
In a fit of celebrity joy I screamed, “HEY BUCKSHOT!!!!” Now obviously the sound of a screaming child made him turn around and look at me (it was probably also because I was only 10 feet away too). He turns and I am suddenly faced with the quick decision of how to best portray my love of him and his morning entertainment shenannigans.
What did I do?
I gave him the thumbs up while screaming, “YYYEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!”
I really don’t know why I didn’t just say, “I love your show!” but that’s a Scooby Doo mystery we won’t soon solve. No, no, instead I yelled one of the most common words in the english language and gave the man the “thumbs up,” which is a proven childhood confidence booster.
What did Buckshot do?
NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. He didn’t say hello, he didn’t say thanks, he didn’t even wave. He just looked at me with this horrified look of wonder and then turned and walked away.
My elementary school heart crushed, I went back to playing with my friends.
Damn you Buckshot, damn you.