Carnation Instant Bitch for Breakfast

I just got home from meeting my good pal Dusan for coffee. As I was waiting earlier in the evening, I sat down at a table next to two girls about my age. I opened my book and began reading. No sooner was I delighted by my book did I catch a few, faint words out of their conversation.

“Blah blah blah, Steve, blah blah, HMV Chinook, blah blah, so weird!”

No way could they possibly be ranting about MY Steve?!

“Blah blah, yeah he was ENGAGED and I talked to him in November, and then he wasn’t, blah blah.”

HOLY. CRAP.

I was now eavesdropping on a conversation between two girls talking about what a dick MY boyfriend was. Who are these girls? WTF?

I wanted so badly to turn around and introduce myself as Steve’s girlfriend, and former fiance, but I am not really one to make a scene, so I let them talk on. They eventually got up and left. One of the girls stupidly complained about Steve calling her by her full name: CHRYSTAL GREEN. AHA! I have your name.

So what did I do with this valuable tidbit of information?

I took out a 3 week ad in FFWD (a local newspaper) for free:

To Chrystal Green of MRC: I’d watch your mouth when speaking ill of Steve from Chinook HMV and his relationship with his fiance/girlfriend. She was sitting right behind you in Starbucks and heard the whole thing.

I’m not one to make threats, but I am one to make people feel like stupid douchebags when they act like it. Anyone in my hometown, check your FFWD’s next week!

13 Responses to “Carnation Instant Bitch for Breakfast”


  1. 1 Marina December 21, 2005 at 7:32 am

    Wow Lauren i never knew you had it in ya!!! You go girl.

  2. 2 Xrayeagle December 21, 2005 at 8:15 am

    Man, I am pretty sure earth has been sucked into a big black hole.

    Why did they think Steve is weird? I don’t think I have ever met someone that didn’t think Steve was awesome.

    Except for me. I fucking hate that guy.

    Hey Steve!

  3. 3 Ultra Toast Mosha God December 21, 2005 at 9:43 am

    I don’t think I could have held my tongue…

    lauren leans over to chattering barbies who are now blathering about steves girlfriend..

    L: “I hear SHE thinks YOU’RE a real bitch!”

    B1: “Really? How do you know? Who are you?”

    L: “Think about it…..”

    B2: “oooh.”

    Barbies shrink into cracks in chic-but-worn coffee house sofa.

    Lauren grins evilly, staring down the barbies until they become so uncomfortable they leave.

    Lauren drinks remainder of their coffee. It is horrible. (it has none of the chocolate stuff sprinkled on top)

  4. 4 Joe December 21, 2005 at 3:03 pm

    It’s a small world after all!

  5. 5 Squiggle December 21, 2005 at 3:58 pm

    You go girl.

    ~does the funky LMizzle is the queen dance~

  6. 6 PIE! December 21, 2005 at 5:20 pm

    Can you please save a copy for me?

    P.S. I didn’t know that those soapboxes were free…You’ve got me thinking.
    P.P.S. Does this Crystal Green happen to go to MRC?

  7. 7 Lorkeet December 21, 2005 at 6:07 pm

    So who is Crystal Green (SUCH a stripper’s name BTW) to Steve? Have you asked him?

  8. 8 rad steveness December 21, 2005 at 7:02 pm

    She’s a girl in Journalism at MRC.
    She’s kinda shy and really lame. I’ve known her for a while. She’s also in no way a stripper or a barbie. they’re much better looking than she.

    Hi Lauren, I love you!

  9. 9 Doug Murata December 21, 2005 at 8:06 pm

    How can anyone think that anyone named Steve is weird? We’ve got a Steve in my office and everyone loves him! The only person who doesn’t like Steve should be a wheelchair in a crazy cartoon.

  10. 10 Xrayeagle December 21, 2005 at 8:38 pm

    That reminds me of that movie, the Toa of Steve

    But more importantly it proves the ancient Buddhist adege:

    “There is no accounting for crazy bitches”

  11. 11 Deidre December 21, 2005 at 10:27 pm

    you’re so awesome to do that! I would have never thought of such things! L you rock!

  12. 12 PIE! December 22, 2005 at 1:06 am

    The photo girl?

  13. 13 Blondie December 22, 2005 at 4:03 am

    YES!!!!!! HAHAHAHA! Awesome! I’m going to pick it up as soon as I get into town!


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