Archive for October 16th, 2005

and when I see you, I really see you upside down, but my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you ’round

There is a time to fight and a time to give up. I think the time is still right for fighting. Yes I am upset, and that is going to take a while to go away. Of COURSE I’m not going to be writing very happy posts right now, because I’m not happy. I’m struggling through something extremely upsetting right now, but I am doing my best (one day at a time) to stay positive and try to make things work.
That being said, today I feel pretty positive about my relationship (considering the circumstances). I heard from more than one person last night at Mike’s going away party that they really didn’t see Steve and I being able to survive this. First of all, this is supposed to be a party for Mike, so despite my troubles, I was trying to maintain a positive atmosphere (in between trying to make sure J didn’t kill Mike with alcohol). Second, that was really not the TIME or PLACE to be talking about my relationship failing. I mean, I was there WITH Steve. At least tell me when he isn’t around because I then had to go back and sit with him after hearing these negative comments.
And yes, a lot of people have been saying that I deserve better and that there’s a ton of people out there who could treat me better than he does. Well, that may be true, but I chose HIM to be with and yes I deserve better, but I have faith that it can be Steve who treats me well, not someone else. I’m giving him the chance to be the one who treats me better.
We are good together. We love each other. I may be taking what some of you think to be an insane risk by giving him chances, especially after what he’s done, but we have to fight for this. I think if we can make it through this, we can make it through pretty much anything together.
Someone did make a good point yesterday though. One of my friends said to me, “what happens when he proposes for real? Are you even going to believe him? You’re just going to think he’s going to take it away agin…”
Yeah, I think that’s going to take the longest time to go away. Maybe it won’t go away. Maybe someday if he asks again I won’t believe it, or I’ll think about how things were when he asked the last time. I’m not sure and I really can’t take a guess at what’s going to happen.
I want it to work though. This isn’t really my fight though, it’s his.


On another note, I spent almost 2 hours trying to find someone to help me at work today because my boss didn’t give me the right information to do my job…I still got all my stuff done though!

Oh yeah, and the District Manager from my old job called my cell phone “just wondering what’s going on.” I’ll tell you: I quit. I gave a week’s notice, which is more than I owe since I came back only 2 months ago. My last day would have been last Wednesday. Sorry to let you know I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE.

Crazy jobs…

October 2005
3031 collective fashion consciousness.