Archive for October 14th, 2005

I had a dream

last night that made me feel very uneasy about the future of this relationship…

not good.

I am hopeless and hopeful. I am lost and somehow I know exacly where I stand. A thousand things run through my head over the day and yet the one thing that remains is the pain. It’s like a burning itch in the back of my head that I’m trying to forget. It’s like a parasite that’s eating away at my head and my heart. Sometimes I think I’ll come out of this whole thing a little bit colder, a little less in love with love.

What do you even do when the love of your life changes his mind on a whim? What do you do when the solid truths are highlighted AFTER the big decisions? I don’t know what to believe anymore.

One of you said in a comment that most men don’t even want to talk about marriage, so it’s just too bad that Steve found out he was scared after the fact. You know, for a brief moment in time I believed that hehonestly felt everything he had said. I had told myself when I started dating him to trust him completely until he gave me a reason not to. now he’s given me a reason not to, a big reason and I wasn’t ready for the consequences of his actions. How can I want to be around someone who fills me with pain? I love him and I hate him.

I guess one should expect it’s going to be this hard to work through heartache.

This is like watching him walk on thin ice and wanting to reach out and grab his hands, but I know I can’t. I don’t know what’s going to happen if he falls through the ice…

Then again, maybe this is a lesson in not being taken for granted. Maybe this is a wake up call. It’s high time I stop being taken for granted. I deserve better than this. Regardless of whether or not I think I deseve better than Steve, I most certainly should be treated with more love and respect. I’ve heard, “you could walk away from this and find 100 guys to date who will treat you way better than he does.” I suppose that’s true, and I guess that’s the dangerous part. Yeah. I COULD walk away and find someone who will treat me better. I HAVE been treated better…but those relationships were fucked up in other ways.

I thought everything fit, you know? I thought it was going to be okay. I thought there was a future but all I keep looking to is the past.

I’ve gone through memories that maybe I didn’t want to relive, and people are telling me things about him that maybe I didn’t want to hear. Things he’s said and done. Things that make the foundations of my beliefs crack.

It’s hard to receive advice from so many people and maintain your own opinions. It’s also hard to see your boyfriend pick up the opinions of someone else and toss them back at you as reasons why he’s made his choice. Is that even him talking anymore or is it his family members? Where are YOUR opinions in all of this because I feel like I’m just listening to recycled air blow into my ears. It doesn’t feel like there’s any substance behind the words anymore.

So he’s not coming to Mike’s going away party tonight. He asked if he could not go because too many people would hate him there tonight. Part of me thinks he should have to sit through it after what he’s done. The other part doesn’t want him there at all.

I’m going to get the ring today…

Nothing Done

I got absolutely nothing done today. I ended up spending all day thinking about this fucking un-engagement. It was terrible. I had the whole day to study and I didn’t do anything. This is so tiring on the emotions.
I think we managed to make a little progress today, though at the end of the day I ended up thinking, “why was it so weird to see him? He should make me the happiest person in the world.” My heart was still happy to see him, but my mind is angry. In my heart I’d have liked to have jumped out of my chair and hugged and kissed him when I saw him, but my mind stopped me. Think of what he’s done to you…think of how much he’s made you hurt…and so I did nothing.
He told me he talked to a woman today who had the same experience with her husband. She is married to the man who did this to her and she has two kids and is very happy.
Sometimes I think I can recover, other times I don’t.
All I know is, just because some other guy did this to his wife doesn’t make it okay. Sure, now you have something in common with someone else and they turned out happy, but who knows what will happen to us?
By the time I was meaning to head home I wished we were still engaged. I wished I still felt the security and comfort I did when we were engaged. Now I feel like this story will end at any moment. I feel that the next slight fracture will topple the entire creation we’ve made.
I was thinking about how I deserve to be treated better than this a lot today, and though I remain firm in my belief that he and I are supposed to be together, if I can’t feel comfortable and forgive him for this within the next few weeks I’m afraid of what I might have to do.
So I gave him a few ideas on how to make me feel better and how he can try to fix this. The ball is no longer in my court. I didn’t do anything to instigate this, so I am no longer taking responsibility for this.

He’s no longer saying he wants to marry me, which leaves me wondering if he ever did…even a few days ago he was still uttering those words…and now I’m left in silence.

In the wise words of a friend, “It takes more than a penis to be a man.”

Let’s see how badly he wants this.

October 2005
3031 collective fashion consciousness.